The Curse of Control

The hustle and bustle of life is crazy! It is been a long time since I have had time to blog, but that doesn't mean that I don't learn daily lessons from the Baptist Rabbi!!

Before Dad lost his ability to drive and leave Mom alone, we used to attend a monthly Parkinson's support group meeting in Knoxville on Thursday nights. One night, we were listening to a speaker who was talking about his journey with Parkinson's and how he realized he was no longer in control. At the end of the session, he gave us a rock to carry. He encouraged us to paint a symbol on the rock of what gave us most comfort during times of trouble. Dad and I both drew on our rock. Since then, that rock has been in my purse, staying with me each day.

For those who know me well, to say I am a control freak is an understatement. I am a fixer. I am a peace maker. I want to have answers to make situations better. Wouldn't it be nice if life worked that way?

Life throws us curve balls. Sometimes I handle it with grace, and sometimesI handle it with my "fix it" attitude. The other day, I processed a situation with Dad in the sunroom at the kitchen table. I looked at him and earnestly said, "How would you advise me to handle?" His words of wisdom slapped me in the face. He said, "Kelly, you are trying to control a situation that is beyond your control. You are trying to fix something that is not fixable. At times, you have to accept reality and let the plan play out."

Don't we often yearn for more power and control than we actually have? Don't we often act as if we know more than our Heavenly Father? Do we live under the curse of control?

As the Baptist Rabbi reminded me:

• As you get older, you have more questions than answers.
• People who want to control the beliefs of others will find out that they knew a lot less than they thought when we meet God face to face. In the end, we will all have a lot of things wrong!
• Oftentimes, our role is not to fix, but to support.
• God does not will bad things to happen to people, but gives us the power to find support in Him during times of turmoil.
• Sometimes patience and grace is more important than fixing and trying to control.

So, what did I draw on my rock? I drew the cross. After all, Jesus did not want what was happening to him! He was not in control of what was happening. But he trusted God and allowed the plan to unfold. 

My hope and trust is in Him. When I feel the need to be in control.....to fix......may the rock in my purse remind me that life doesn't work that way. My call is to follow His will and implement grace and love more than control.

Stay With Me

Type A. OCD. A fixer. That is me. I like to be in control, I like things to be orderly, and I like to fix situations when they are in need of repair. When something is broken, I have the urge to fix it. When there is personal conflict, I like to work towards common ground. When someone is in trouble, I want to help. When there are things to be done, I like to create a step by step plan of how to reach the goal.

Wouldn't it be nice if life fit into a perfect box like I desire!?

There are times when the Dean household is full of laughter, and there are times that there is great sadness. As my parents age, they spend much time in reflection and recollection of memories. Some bring happiness and some bring about much emotion. When you are diagnosed with a progressive illness, there are stages of grief which bring about a wide range of feelings. Processing is not a linear step-by-step regimen.

A few months ago, Dad was telling a story from his past. He began weeping. I immediately began asking him questions like, "Where are you hurt? What is wrong? Are you OK? What can I do to help?" He sat silently for a few minutes and his words of wisdom flowed, "Why do you get so uncomfortable when I show emotion? Why do immediately think it something you need to fix? Emotion is part of life and doesn't require a fix. Just because I show emotion doesn't mean I am depressed, hurt, or suffering. I am simply processing. Why does it make you so uncomfortable? I don't need you to say anything or do anything. I simply need you to stay with me."

Wow. Once again, the Baptist Rabbi taught me an important life lesson.

As humans, emotions do make us uncomfortable. We look for a way to show quick compassion and leave the scene because it brings about uncertainty. What do I say? What do I do? We feel the need to quickly restore happiness. When in reality, the other person just needs our silence and presence. They don't expect us to make it better - they just need support in presence.

I was looking for a fix - for a way to make it better quickly so we could move on. Truth is, I can't fix this. It is what it is.  I don't know why life has to be so hard. I don't know why my parents have to suffer when they have been so faithful. But it has become very clear that my desire to rectify this situation is not possible. However, I can stay.

Life doesn't fit into my mold.
Not every uncomfortable situation needs (or can) to be fixed by me.
Many times, support is in presence, not words or actions.


May God give us all the perseverance to push through the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to "fix" and help us find peace in the words, "Stay with me."

The Dock.....

What a beautiful day. After a week of cold, dreary weather, the sun finally decided to make an appearance. As I was doing my daily activities at the Dean household, I realized that the bird feeders outside were empty. While filling up the various bird feeders behind the glassed back porch, I looked at Dad in the window and told him it felt great. I fed the birds and walked toward the dock to look at the water that had finally risen to a decent level for the rowers. A few minutes later, I was surprised that he had put on his shoes and make the trip to the dock to join me.

The water was peacefully flowing with the sound of ducks and geese in the background. Warm…peaceful… beautiful. The Baptist Rabbi began to talk, reminiscing about many things about his life. During our 20-minute dock visit, he shared several things, and I sat quietly soaking it in….

·      As he enter the later years of life, he enjoys the simple things in life – like a roof over his head, food, and people who have helped him along the journey of life. Material things no longer matter. People and relationships do.

·      He spends a great deal of time talking about how his life has played out and how thankful he is for all the people who have played an important part in making is life successful –

o   His sisters who helped raise him.

o   His mother who always supported him.

o   His sister, Irene, who loaned him money for a car.

o   His brother who has always been there for him.

o   His Dad, who asked his boss to co-sign a loan for him to go to college.

o   The couple who gave him his first church to preach.

o   The members of his churches that became his best friends.

o   Mom’s unending faithfulness to him through it all.

o   And the list goes on and on.

·      He finds it important to tell people that he is appreciative of all they have done for him and how much he loves them.

·      He is aware of the mistakes that he has made and times that other people were right. He actually had recounted a few times where he was brutally wrong (I surpassed that number a long time ago!!!!). He is very humble that he has not always been right and has learned a great deal from his mistakes.

·      He ends his soliloquy with these words, “I have lived a blessed life. If the Good Lord takes me today, I don’t have one complaint.”

This day on the dock. I would not trade it for the world. It is times like this that I wish life would suspend time and make it last forever. Mom and Dad both talk about how blessed they have been in their life, but I must say……it is all of us that have been blessed by our lives crossing paths with them. I am the luckiest daughter to belong to them. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with this special moment. Selfishly, I pray for many more days on the dock…..

Joy in the Present

Last night, we had the wonderful blessing of celebrating my Mom's 75th birthday. With the craziness of life, it was one of those rare opportunities that most of the Dean family was around the same dining room table. Chris and I laughed several times because the scene reminded us somewhat of the Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation dinner!! But it was a blast. Joy in its purest form.

For years, I have always seen a set of blue books sitting on Dad's bookshelf, but I have never really paid attention to them over the years. A few months ago, I decided to explore the books and quickly discovered that I found a treasure. These series of books date back to Dad's seminary days and has his underlines and notes written in them!

As I am working my way through the first book, I have become particularly fascinated by the annotation of the beatitudes. When skimming the beatitudes in the book of Matthew, the reader quickly becomes aware of the word order. Each sentence begins with "Blessed are the...."

The word blessed is a special word. The Greek word for blessed is makarios.  Makarios describes joy as being serene and untouchable. It is self contained and completely independent of all the chances and changes of life. The beatitudes speak of joy that sees us through our pain and joy, gains and losses, joy and tears, etc.  We have been given the gift of joy that nothing in life or death can take away.

Worldly joy can win or loose. A change in finances, health, career, or circumstance can either increase or decrease our amount of joy. However, the joy provided in our faith is untouchable. It is something that belongs to each of us today. The beatitudes are not hopes of what will eventually be. They are a congratulations to what currently is! We are "blessed" in the here and now. It is not something that we will eventually enter - it is something we have already entered.

We are blessed. Last night, we all came together at a dinner table as blessed people. Yes, we all have pain and troubles. By all means, none of us around the table are perfect. But our faith in Jesus brings a permanent joy that cannot be robbed from us by any earthly circumstance.

Blessed are all who believe. Find pure joy through your faith in the present. It is there waiting for you.

Thank you, Baptist Rabbi and his wife, for teaching me to soak in the joy provided by our Heavenly Father.

The Gift of Discernment

Christmas Eve. My absolute favorite night of the year. Once the hustle and bustle have settled down for the night, I always enjoy some quiet time soaking in the peace and excitement associated with this holiday. I look back and replay memories of my childhood Christmas mornings. I will have to admit that I don't remember many of the presents that I received, other than my Grease Soundtrack LP that had 2 albums and a fold out sleeve. I wore that record out pretending to be Olivia Newton John!

It wasn't the material gifts that Mom and Dad gave me that really made an impact on me. It was the life lessons that I consider to be the greatest gift from them. One of the most powerful things the Baptist Rabbi taught me was the need to practice discernment.

Being the primary caregiver for both of my parents, I have had to use discernment on many occasions as we determine next steps after a doctor's advice. A year ago, a lung specialist discouraged us from considering a feeding tube for my Dad, stating research doesn't indicate feeding tubes prevent pneumonia in patients who aspirate. A year later, we would say a feeding tube was the best thing we could have done for Dad!

In the world of social media, many have developed their own personal agendas in which they attempt to push upon the rest of us through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Many in society have become very rigid in their beliefs and shun those who do not hold parallel views.

Here is what the wisest man I know would have to say:

• The longer he lives, the more questions he has. Rarely are tough issues black and white. Both sides tend to have advantages and disadvantages.
• Beware of people or organizations that demand you hold exact views as them. 
• We must have tolerance for diverse views. The truth is that most of us are a product of our foundational circle and experiences. 
• Respectfully question. It is through productive conflict that we grow as individuals. 
• Use discernment to know when to speak and when to remain quiet. 

The reality is....when all is said and done, ALL of us will have some things right and a lot of things wrong. The Baptist Rabbi says he has lots of questions when he gets to heaven!! As humans, we try to bring God down to our level and put widely complex ideas in a simple box so we can comprehend them.  There is a great deal to learn from other people, but we must use discernment in situations and not allow the world to put our actions and beliefs in their own individual box. 

This world is complex - full of many viewpoints and ideas. May we show tolerance towards others, but use discernment with the abundance of information that bombards us from all angles. I know there are times that I do this better than others.

On this Christmas Eve, I am thankful that my Mom and Dad taught me the complexity of a baby being born in a stable and how He ultimately saved the world. I am also thankful that they taught me the importance of using discernment in these unpredictable times.

May each of you be blessed with peace and discernment this Christmas season. God bless.

Perfect Timing of Love

Goodness knows there is enough going on in this world to make our blood pressure rise! During all the stresses of life, we all have our own internal battles that we are fighting, which ultimately sculpt our words and action to others.

I have carefully watched my Dad for many years now as he navigates life. It is simply amazing to witness. The timing of his actions exhibit self control and love. Don't mistaken this for weakness, for he is one of the most powerful humans I have ever met. He has a solid understanding of his beliefs and foundations. There have been times that he has spoken passionately about issues and has fought hard for what he feels is right and ethical. However, he also has a deep understanding of the uncertainty of life and how love should always prevail.

The Baptist Rabbi has lived through many life experiences with his family, friends, and church members. He has seen the unexpected twists and turns of life's journey and the aftermath of people living with both comfort and regret due to previous actions (not that he has ever shared personal experiences of others, as confidentiality is of utmost importance to him).

Being a normal family, there are times when things can get heated in the Dean/Johnson household! After all, we are humans! During these times, I see Dad sitting silently, exhibiting self-control, but taking in all the actions around him. Finally, when everyone is done with their "verbal vomit," he quietly will approach individuals and offer kind words of perspective - helping us see different viewpoints and offering love.

Over the years, he has offered these life lessons to me:

• Time takes care of most situations. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to get caught up in defending your territory or viewpoint, which leads to harsh words. Words can't be taken back.
• Practicing silence in some situations can assist in deescalation. Rarely does arguing and yelling change a person's viewpoint or situation. 
• It is more important to listen than to talk. Ultimately, people want to just be heard. Just because you don't fight back does not mean that your beliefs are on shaky ground.
• Understanding people's journeys help you understand their viewpoints and actions. Use this perspective to show love - not hate.
• Showing self-control does not show weakness; likewise, it shows strength and power. 
• There are times in life where you must fight hard for what is right and ethical. Pick your battles and then fight hard. Fighting with passion does not mean hurting others in the process. You can prove a point without tearing someone else down.

The Baptist Rabbi has modeled so much for all of us over the years. We often joke in our household that Sam Dean has become a man of few words. However, when the words are spoken, there is thoughtfulness, intelligence, and love. He uses his silence to choose his words carefully. Many times, he has said his goal is to use the time that he has left to show everyone how much they mean to him and how much they are loved. He refuses to let bridges be built because he knows his time is limited. 

In this world of tension, opinions, and stress, maybe we could all learn a bit from Sam. Life is short. We certainly all have a right to hold our beliefs and opinions. Life is going to bring situations of conflict and disagreements. However, none of us are promised tomorrow. We will not be remembered for the opinions that we held. We will most be remembered by the way we treated people and the love we portrayed. 

When is the timing of love important? I believe the Baptist Rabbi would say ALWAYS. What an awesome calling for us all. Goodness knows, I am a work in progress. May we all strive to advocate for what is right, but let love prevail in all situations.

It Is What It Is

Life is good. Or at least that is what the company-created character named Jake says. You can see this saying on a variety of T-shirts, coffee mugs, and signs. You often find this saying accompanied by a variety of entertaining pictures such as golf, fishing, camping, running, etc. In fact, people pay a hefty  price for the saying, "Life is Good" on these items.

But you know what? Life is not always good. In fact, there are times that we are left questioning, "Why?"

Mom and Dad find themselves basically homebound these days. They get out for doctor's appointments and quick trips to the grocery store with the help of their caregiver and myself. After work each day, I go to their house and walk into the kitchen. As I enter the kitchen each day, I see a variety of things that remind me of their current situation:

• A feeding tube holder
• A basket of first aid supplies for feeding tube maintenance
• Syringes by the sink that have been sterilized and ready to use again
• Pill crushers for Parkinson's meds to go through a feeding tube
• Small containers for Mom that contain tea and other drinks that she is able to lift
• A plastic tub of medi-honey and other supplies to help with Mom's injuries from falls
• A walker
• A cane
• A stick to help pick up items on the floor
• And the list can go on and on.....

For a long time, it was painful for me to see these items each day, for it was a brutal reminder of our current reality. "Why?' I would often ask. Two of the most Godly people who have dedicated their life to goodness. Why?

Pam is their daily caregiver who has been such a blessing to us. She provides excellent care to each of them during the day until I get off work. A few months ago, she arrived with a sign. Not the popular "Life is Good" brand, but a more realistic one. The sign said,

"It Is What It Is"

5 powerful words. These words spoke the truth of our situation. There are times in which we have control over the outcomes of situations, and at other times, we don't. There are times that life just plays out - for the good and for the bad. It is what it is. 

But we are not left helpless. We can determine how we choose to respond to the current situation. Do we let it define us, or do we make the best of it? We can spend our time resenting the reality or we can choose to use if for the good. We can drown in our sorrows or we can "put our big pants on" and trust that God will use our current situation if we allow him to do so.

How do we try to respond at the Baptist Rabbi's house? Some days are easier than others. But we make an effort to see our glass as half full. 

• Providing care for them has given me a chance to spend quality time with them that I otherwise would not have given. I have the honor of continuing to learn from them each day.
• We have gained an additional family member, Pam. Not only is she a caregiver, but she has become a close friend to us all.
• Being homebound, Dad has decided to take control over things he is able. It turns out that it is the length of his hair!! He is currently working on a goal of growing his hair for Locks of Love. 
• Dad still is very cognitively aware. Being at home has enabled him to enjoy the conversation and company of many of his close friends who come by to visit. He has been given the opportunity to express how much he loves those around him. If you haven't come to visit, please do so. He would love to see you! 

This stage of life is not what any of us would have chosen for the Baptist Rabbi and his wife. However, "It Is What It Is." Who knows what is in store for each of us, as we live in a world of free will. However, it is up to us if we choose to focus on the negative and what could have been or if we embrace that "Life is Good." Even in the midst of struggle and pain, God can make good of it and turn it into a "lock of love."