Stay With Me

Type A. OCD. A fixer. That is me. I like to be in control, I like things to be orderly, and I like to fix situations when they are in need of repair. When something is broken, I have the urge to fix it. When there is personal conflict, I like to work towards common ground. When someone is in trouble, I want to help. When there are things to be done, I like to create a step by step plan of how to reach the goal.

Wouldn't it be nice if life fit into a perfect box like I desire!?

There are times when the Dean household is full of laughter, and there are times that there is great sadness. As my parents age, they spend much time in reflection and recollection of memories. Some bring happiness and some bring about much emotion. When you are diagnosed with a progressive illness, there are stages of grief which bring about a wide range of feelings. Processing is not a linear step-by-step regimen.

A few months ago, Dad was telling a story from his past. He began weeping. I immediately began asking him questions like, "Where are you hurt? What is wrong? Are you OK? What can I do to help?" He sat silently for a few minutes and his words of wisdom flowed, "Why do you get so uncomfortable when I show emotion? Why do immediately think it something you need to fix? Emotion is part of life and doesn't require a fix. Just because I show emotion doesn't mean I am depressed, hurt, or suffering. I am simply processing. Why does it make you so uncomfortable? I don't need you to say anything or do anything. I simply need you to stay with me."

Wow. Once again, the Baptist Rabbi taught me an important life lesson.

As humans, emotions do make us uncomfortable. We look for a way to show quick compassion and leave the scene because it brings about uncertainty. What do I say? What do I do? We feel the need to quickly restore happiness. When in reality, the other person just needs our silence and presence. They don't expect us to make it better - they just need support in presence.

I was looking for a fix - for a way to make it better quickly so we could move on. Truth is, I can't fix this. It is what it is.  I don't know why life has to be so hard. I don't know why my parents have to suffer when they have been so faithful. But it has become very clear that my desire to rectify this situation is not possible. However, I can stay.

Life doesn't fit into my mold.
Not every uncomfortable situation needs (or can) to be fixed by me.
Many times, support is in presence, not words or actions.


May God give us all the perseverance to push through the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to "fix" and help us find peace in the words, "Stay with me."