The Gift of Discernment

Christmas Eve. My absolute favorite night of the year. Once the hustle and bustle have settled down for the night, I always enjoy some quiet time soaking in the peace and excitement associated with this holiday. I look back and replay memories of my childhood Christmas mornings. I will have to admit that I don't remember many of the presents that I received, other than my Grease Soundtrack LP that had 2 albums and a fold out sleeve. I wore that record out pretending to be Olivia Newton John!

It wasn't the material gifts that Mom and Dad gave me that really made an impact on me. It was the life lessons that I consider to be the greatest gift from them. One of the most powerful things the Baptist Rabbi taught me was the need to practice discernment.

Being the primary caregiver for both of my parents, I have had to use discernment on many occasions as we determine next steps after a doctor's advice. A year ago, a lung specialist discouraged us from considering a feeding tube for my Dad, stating research doesn't indicate feeding tubes prevent pneumonia in patients who aspirate. A year later, we would say a feeding tube was the best thing we could have done for Dad!

In the world of social media, many have developed their own personal agendas in which they attempt to push upon the rest of us through Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. Many in society have become very rigid in their beliefs and shun those who do not hold parallel views.

Here is what the wisest man I know would have to say:

• The longer he lives, the more questions he has. Rarely are tough issues black and white. Both sides tend to have advantages and disadvantages.
• Beware of people or organizations that demand you hold exact views as them. 
• We must have tolerance for diverse views. The truth is that most of us are a product of our foundational circle and experiences. 
• Respectfully question. It is through productive conflict that we grow as individuals. 
• Use discernment to know when to speak and when to remain quiet. 

The reality is....when all is said and done, ALL of us will have some things right and a lot of things wrong. The Baptist Rabbi says he has lots of questions when he gets to heaven!! As humans, we try to bring God down to our level and put widely complex ideas in a simple box so we can comprehend them.  There is a great deal to learn from other people, but we must use discernment in situations and not allow the world to put our actions and beliefs in their own individual box. 

This world is complex - full of many viewpoints and ideas. May we show tolerance towards others, but use discernment with the abundance of information that bombards us from all angles. I know there are times that I do this better than others.

On this Christmas Eve, I am thankful that my Mom and Dad taught me the complexity of a baby being born in a stable and how He ultimately saved the world. I am also thankful that they taught me the importance of using discernment in these unpredictable times.

May each of you be blessed with peace and discernment this Christmas season. God bless.

Perfect Timing of Love

Goodness knows there is enough going on in this world to make our blood pressure rise! During all the stresses of life, we all have our own internal battles that we are fighting, which ultimately sculpt our words and action to others.

I have carefully watched my Dad for many years now as he navigates life. It is simply amazing to witness. The timing of his actions exhibit self control and love. Don't mistaken this for weakness, for he is one of the most powerful humans I have ever met. He has a solid understanding of his beliefs and foundations. There have been times that he has spoken passionately about issues and has fought hard for what he feels is right and ethical. However, he also has a deep understanding of the uncertainty of life and how love should always prevail.

The Baptist Rabbi has lived through many life experiences with his family, friends, and church members. He has seen the unexpected twists and turns of life's journey and the aftermath of people living with both comfort and regret due to previous actions (not that he has ever shared personal experiences of others, as confidentiality is of utmost importance to him).

Being a normal family, there are times when things can get heated in the Dean/Johnson household! After all, we are humans! During these times, I see Dad sitting silently, exhibiting self-control, but taking in all the actions around him. Finally, when everyone is done with their "verbal vomit," he quietly will approach individuals and offer kind words of perspective - helping us see different viewpoints and offering love.

Over the years, he has offered these life lessons to me:

• Time takes care of most situations. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to get caught up in defending your territory or viewpoint, which leads to harsh words. Words can't be taken back.
• Practicing silence in some situations can assist in deescalation. Rarely does arguing and yelling change a person's viewpoint or situation. 
• It is more important to listen than to talk. Ultimately, people want to just be heard. Just because you don't fight back does not mean that your beliefs are on shaky ground.
• Understanding people's journeys help you understand their viewpoints and actions. Use this perspective to show love - not hate.
• Showing self-control does not show weakness; likewise, it shows strength and power. 
• There are times in life where you must fight hard for what is right and ethical. Pick your battles and then fight hard. Fighting with passion does not mean hurting others in the process. You can prove a point without tearing someone else down.

The Baptist Rabbi has modeled so much for all of us over the years. We often joke in our household that Sam Dean has become a man of few words. However, when the words are spoken, there is thoughtfulness, intelligence, and love. He uses his silence to choose his words carefully. Many times, he has said his goal is to use the time that he has left to show everyone how much they mean to him and how much they are loved. He refuses to let bridges be built because he knows his time is limited. 

In this world of tension, opinions, and stress, maybe we could all learn a bit from Sam. Life is short. We certainly all have a right to hold our beliefs and opinions. Life is going to bring situations of conflict and disagreements. However, none of us are promised tomorrow. We will not be remembered for the opinions that we held. We will most be remembered by the way we treated people and the love we portrayed. 

When is the timing of love important? I believe the Baptist Rabbi would say ALWAYS. What an awesome calling for us all. Goodness knows, I am a work in progress. May we all strive to advocate for what is right, but let love prevail in all situations.

It Is What It Is

Life is good. Or at least that is what the company-created character named Jake says. You can see this saying on a variety of T-shirts, coffee mugs, and signs. You often find this saying accompanied by a variety of entertaining pictures such as golf, fishing, camping, running, etc. In fact, people pay a hefty  price for the saying, "Life is Good" on these items.

But you know what? Life is not always good. In fact, there are times that we are left questioning, "Why?"

Mom and Dad find themselves basically homebound these days. They get out for doctor's appointments and quick trips to the grocery store with the help of their caregiver and myself. After work each day, I go to their house and walk into the kitchen. As I enter the kitchen each day, I see a variety of things that remind me of their current situation:

• A feeding tube holder
• A basket of first aid supplies for feeding tube maintenance
• Syringes by the sink that have been sterilized and ready to use again
• Pill crushers for Parkinson's meds to go through a feeding tube
• Small containers for Mom that contain tea and other drinks that she is able to lift
• A plastic tub of medi-honey and other supplies to help with Mom's injuries from falls
• A walker
• A cane
• A stick to help pick up items on the floor
• And the list can go on and on.....

For a long time, it was painful for me to see these items each day, for it was a brutal reminder of our current reality. "Why?' I would often ask. Two of the most Godly people who have dedicated their life to goodness. Why?

Pam is their daily caregiver who has been such a blessing to us. She provides excellent care to each of them during the day until I get off work. A few months ago, she arrived with a sign. Not the popular "Life is Good" brand, but a more realistic one. The sign said,

"It Is What It Is"

5 powerful words. These words spoke the truth of our situation. There are times in which we have control over the outcomes of situations, and at other times, we don't. There are times that life just plays out - for the good and for the bad. It is what it is. 

But we are not left helpless. We can determine how we choose to respond to the current situation. Do we let it define us, or do we make the best of it? We can spend our time resenting the reality or we can choose to use if for the good. We can drown in our sorrows or we can "put our big pants on" and trust that God will use our current situation if we allow him to do so.

How do we try to respond at the Baptist Rabbi's house? Some days are easier than others. But we make an effort to see our glass as half full. 

• Providing care for them has given me a chance to spend quality time with them that I otherwise would not have given. I have the honor of continuing to learn from them each day.
• We have gained an additional family member, Pam. Not only is she a caregiver, but she has become a close friend to us all.
• Being homebound, Dad has decided to take control over things he is able. It turns out that it is the length of his hair!! He is currently working on a goal of growing his hair for Locks of Love. 
• Dad still is very cognitively aware. Being at home has enabled him to enjoy the conversation and company of many of his close friends who come by to visit. He has been given the opportunity to express how much he loves those around him. If you haven't come to visit, please do so. He would love to see you! 

This stage of life is not what any of us would have chosen for the Baptist Rabbi and his wife. However, "It Is What It Is." Who knows what is in store for each of us, as we live in a world of free will. However, it is up to us if we choose to focus on the negative and what could have been or if we embrace that "Life is Good." Even in the midst of struggle and pain, God can make good of it and turn it into a "lock of love."

Personal Pruning

The past few years have brought about a great learning curve for me as a caregiver. For Mom, I have learned how to effectively put on compression hose, back braces, and knee braces. For Dad, I have learned how to crush medicines, feed with a feeding tube, care for granulomas, and program for night time feeding pumps. Basically, I have become an expert on Parkinson's, scoliosis, stenosis, PHN, and a wide variety of other medical issues.

If you have ever been to Mom and Dad's house, you know the beauty of their backyard. Many years ago, a man gave Dad many rose bushes, which have become a favorite pastime of the Baptist Rabbi and his wife. Over the past few years, many of the rose bushes have been replaced with Knock Out Roses, and quite often, they battle the deer and beavers trying to eat them. Mom and Dad have had countless hours of joy working in their backyard and enjoying the scenery on their glassed-in back porch. While I was there today, we saw ducks, chipmunks, and a multitude of birds come to visit. It is a beautiful place to be. In fact, Dad said the other day, "If you have to be homebound, there is no better place to be than on this back porch."

Due to heath issues, Mom can no longer work in her roses. Dad can go out for a brief period of time, but his stamina is not as it once was. Therefore, as their caregiver, they trained me on what to do. They taught me how to prune. Dad taught me that it was important to cut off the dead blooms and dead parts of the bush so that the plant would not spend energy trying to nourish the parts of the plant that were not longer living. It is important to cut off the dying blooms so that the plant will use its energy to develop new growth and new booms. So now, every Saturday is "Pruning Day" at the Dean household. I take Mom's special scissors to the rose bushes and I cut off the dead blooms and limbs off the rose bushes. And I will have to admit.....I find great joy in it! There is something theraputic about ridding of the old and making room for the new.

And so the Baptist Rabbi, once again, teaches me a life lesson. Life is a journey, full of new experiences. However, the only way that we can continue to grow and bloom is if we are willing to let go of the dead blooms and limbs in our life. Hanging on to them inhibits our ability to move forward and experience the the fullness of life. Continuing to use our energy on parts of us that are dead is detrimental. We must be willing to cut away those areas of our life so that our energy can be spent on something new, brighter, and better. Once we grow accustom to letting go of the "dead" parts of our life, we enter a theraputic, energizing stage that allows us to continue to develop and grow. There is great satisfaction to be found in personal pruning. There is peace to be found in letting go of the parts of our life that suck the energy from us and keep us from developing more blooms.

I must say....I have never had a green thumb. However, Dad teaching me the importance of pruning has allowed me to finally be successful in having beautiful roses in my front yard. I have shared my secret of pruning with several neighbors and friends who have found the same joy in eliminating the dead parts of their rose bushes.

We can't hold onto the past and move forward at the same time. When parts of our life are sucking energy, but not producing blooms, it is time to cut it away. Then sit in patience, waiting for the new growth and blooms to develop in our lives.

Thank you, Sam and Marie, for showing me the power of pruning. May we all realize that life is a cycle of cutting back and growing forward. May we all strive to find the power to cut away the dead parts of our lives, allowing for new growth and larger blooms.

Conversion of Commitment

There is one thing that we can all say about the Baptist Rabbi. He is a man of his word. If he says he will do it - he does. If he says he believes it - he does. If he begins something - he will finish it. He may not be able to eat, but his brain is still as sharp as ever. Thankfully, Parkinson's has left his brain alone, and he remains one of the smartest people I have ever known.

Commitment is a virtue that was extremely important growing up in the Dean household. Once we started something - we were required to finish it. I remember taking a seasonal job at a local department store in downtown Knoxville while in college. I called him crying my first day on the job because a customer had accused me of not knowing what I was doing (which was a completely accurate assessment!). But nevertheless, it broke my heart. I called Dad expecting to get some sympathy, telling me to come on back to the safety of my own home. Instead, I got the tough love answer. His response sounded something like, "Grow up and get a backbone. Not everyone in the world will be kind. But you made a commitment to work with them, and you will stay until your agreement with them is complete." And then he hung up on me!

Linsdey Denton is a dear person to me. She endured eleven years with me trying her hardest to teach me how to play the piano. Often she would have to spend time talking to me about the length of my nails and how practice pays off. I'm sure she got tired of repeating the same lessons of life to me, but she always did it with patience and compassion. Of course, mastering the piano takes lots of dedication and practice. There were many times that my social life would seem much more interesting than sitting at the piano practicing for guilds and recitals. There were times that I would approach both of my parents and ask if I could quit. I bet you could guess what they had to say. I expressed a desire to learn how to play the piano, and I needed to stick with it. I needed to honor the commitment that I made. Twenty-five years later, I periodically will sit at the piano at my house and play a few hymns and other songs, wishing I had heeded to the advice of my parents and Lyndsay about commitment and dedication.

Mom and Dad have been true examples of commitment. Chris and I have been one of the lucky ones that have watched them model the true meaning of commitment through their marriage of 50 years. Through their journey, their commitment has looked different, depending on the circumstances. Mom supported Dad as he finished seminary. Mom chose to leave the family she loves in North Carolina to support his ministry, wherever God chose to take him. Dad supported Mom through a stressful career in education, where some years were good and some were not. Dad has supported Mom through various auto-immune conditions that required her to visit multiple hospitals (some out of town) and an ultimate destination to disability. Mom supported Dad through endless hours of ministry, often cutting a vacation short or disrupting a night's sleep to attend to other's needs. Mom and Dad supported each other in raising Chris and  me - which always wasn't easy. But they did it together. We always saw them as one. They always kept a consistent message - one with an abundance of love, high expectations, and ethics.

The visual image of their commitment has changed somewhat over the years. They both find themselves dealing with multiple health issues today and spend most of their time at home. Mom has been plagued with a severe case of scoliosis and stenosis, making mobility a difficult task for her. Her arthritis makes it difficult for her to do fine motor activities. However, each day, she rises to the task of taking care of Dad's needs with a sacrificing love that his needs are more important than hers. Dad does the same in return for her. With her mobility, she has frequent falls. He is always there to help her get to a safe place and give her proper care until I can get to them, despite his constant level of pain due to PHN.

To be an active witness of their level of commitment to each other is simply breathtaking. It is not always easy. They are both human, so at times, the situational reality is challenging and overwhelming to them both. The requirements of commitment look very different for them today than in earlier years. The commitment has undergone a conversion. But the level of commitment remains the same- if not stronger.

Today, they both look different visually. In fact, Dad can no longer wear his wedding ring on his 4th finger due to his weight loss caused by Parkinson's and the feeding tube. Many men would discontinue wearing the ring, but not my Dad. The commitment is too meaningful. He made a commitment to God that they would support each other through all of life's circumstances. The ring is now proudly worn on his third finger. The conversion of the ring to a different finger did not change the dedication and commitment. It has only made it stronger as they continue to lean on each other during this stage of their life.

On Mother's Day weekend, I am thankful that I get to be a part of God teaching me about the true meaning of commitment through my Mom and Dad. Just as life's journey changes, the requirements of our commitments change. May we all embrace the challenges and joys that the conversion of our commitments bring. But by all means, may we remain committed! Happy Mother's Day to all!

**Side note to Lindsey Denton - As I type this blog, I hear my nails tapping! I will go cut them in honor of you for Mother's Day!!! Ha! Love you!

Meandering....

"Education is the one thing no one can ever take from you." That was a lesson deeply embedded in Chris and me growing up in the Dean household. Every chance Mom and Dad could get, they were trying to increase our vocabulary, teaching us a new word. After the word was introduced, Dad would periodically work it into a conversation with me as a test to see if I remembered the meaning. There were even occasions that he would make some philosophical statement, using lots of "grown up" words, just to enjoy seeing the confused look on my face!

Taking him home from the doctor yesterday, I noticed that something grabbed his attention on the right hand side of the road. He became silent for a moment.  When this happens,  I always know something is on his mind. After the short period of only the radio being heard, the Baptist Rabbi said, "Meander......that is one of my favorite words." Through my slight giggle, I respond by saying, "What in the world made you think of that driving down the road?!" He briefly described the creek that grabbed his attention as it worked hard to provide an appropriate pathway for the water to flow peacefully from the storm that made its way into our area the previous night. He found the movement of the water back and forth simply breathtaking.

As always, there is a lesson in his observation. Dad proceeded to explain that he loved watching the twists and turns of the creek growing up. He found it intriguing the way that the creek had learned to be flexible in creating bends and curves, allowing the water to meander through the flexible pathway of the creek bed. When the water enters the creek, it does not know its path. However, it embraces the unpredictable path, taking the back and forth motion with tolerance, respect, and grace.

There is beauty in life's meandering. Rarely does life take us on a straight path. We greet each day, not knowing where our "personal creek" is going to take us. Flexibility is key. There is peace when we find the ability to respect the back and forth motion of our journey. Some areas of our creek move at a fast pace, bouncing against large boulders and the creek walls. At other times, the movement is slow, moving peacefully and quietly. The danger is not in the willingness to meander within the intended path. The catastrophe happens when the volume of the water overflows and floods the creek - spilling into unintended paths, causing damage to surrounding areas.

Not only do we not know the future of where our personal creek will take us, but we are not always aware of personal conditions of the creek of those around us. Our personal past and current experiences shape the conditions of our creek. We must learn that grace allows us to find peace in our current travels, but we must develop a tolerance for those who are traveling a different path. We are all called to meander, but not necessarily on the same path. While we all learn to embrace the power of meandering, may we all remember that we must stay within our limits of flexibility. When we lose respect for our personal creek walls, we can easily cause damage to ourselves and others.

Think of how boring this world would be if we all traveled the same path! There would not be enough room in the creek to hold us all! We are all called to meander in our own way. There is beauty in flexibility and tolerance for the path of others. However, it is equally as important to stay true to ourselves and stay within our intended path.

"Meander"
Just like my Dad, I like the sound of the word as well.
Even better, I'm glad Mom and Dad taught me to embrace the meandering of my journey and the journey of others. Tolerance.......respect.......grace......ultimate peace......

Bye, Son.....

Son. The Baptist Rabbit has several names. People in Greenville, TN know him by "Dale." People in Clinton know him by "Sam." I know him as "Dad." His grandkids know him by "Popman." At times, Mom has her own few choice words for him, but I'll spare you of those details! :) But one of the most precious names is what his Mom, Bonnie Dean, called him, which was "Son."

The Baptist Rabbi has always been a "Mama's boy." He cannot speak of his Mother without tears bellowing in his eyes. She was a caring woman who worked hard. She loved her children unconditionally. After receiving the news that she had breast cancer, she went back to work at the factory specifically so my Dad could take advantage of the scholarships that they had to offer. She fought through the struggles of losing some of the use of one of her arms without a moment of complaining. She was filled with love for Jesus, and would willingly sacrifice for her family with nothing but a sweet smile on her face.

Every Easter, I am reminded of when she went to embrace heaven. Dad had just finished a Maundy Thursday Service at First Baptist Church in Clinton. While greeting people at the door, he received word that Bonnie Dean, my Mamaw, had a stroke and was not in good shape at a hospital in Greeneville. Frantically, Dad left the church to get to her as soon as possible. He was told by my Aunt Sharon that she was not likely to make it. For those of you who know my father, he is a rule follower. However, this is one time that his speedometer would have made any police officer do an immediate U-turn to restore peace to the community. As he was driving down the highway, around 8:00 p.m., he heard the clear voice of his mother saying, "Bye Son..." He immediately was overwhelmed with a sense of calmness and peace that, to this day, he has a very hard time describing. He knew she had just met Jesus. He slowed down his car and took his time making his way to her hospital bed.

As he entered the hospital, he was met by family members who informed Dad that Mamaw had passed. When Dad asked the time, not surprisingly, it was the exact time that he heard that voice in the car sweetly say, "Bye Son...". Coincidence? I think not.

Bonnie Dean was buried on Easter Sunday. I can't think of a better day to celebrate the life of such a special woman. Even though I was still in elementary school when this happened, I remember being sad that she was no longer with us, but happy that she was celebrating in heaven. I can't think of a better day than Easter to celebrate her entry into heaven.

As we enter the special day of Easter, let us remember:

• This is a time of celebration. Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected. Because of this, grace covers us. Everyday is a new Easter where our slate is wiped clean.
• God is alive and well. He still speaks to us if we can only sit still and listen to his Word. 
• In the midst of ultimate sadness, God is there - providing a sense of peace and calmness that only He can provide and sustain. 
• Life is hard, but we have an eternity of celebration and peace in which to look forward. 

As for me, I look forward to the day when I can embrace Bonnie Dean, as well as all the other loved ones who have gone before me. So many have played such an important part of who I am today. Because of Easter, may we all celebrate the fact that the words, "Bye, Son" are temporary, and we will once again be united with our loved ones for an eternity because of the grace that the cross provides to each of us.