The Delicate Balance

Fall is just around the corner. It is one of the best times of the year! Fall is a time where you will find my Dad doing the things that he enjoys the most: hiking and spending time outdoors. For many years, Dad would spend time with some of his closest friends on hiking trails, spending weekends at cabins in Roane Mountain, and having picnics in Cades Cove. He started a Hiking Club at First Baptist Church where monthly hikes were planned. Dad has hiked Mount LeConte many times in his life. In fact, he hiked the trail only a few days prior to being told he needed emergency triple bypass surgery! The cardiologist simply stated that he had a special angel looking out for him. There is really no medical explanation to why he made it off the mountain with the severe blockages in his heart. Still to this day, a few of his close friends will take him on short hikes. While several of the men have been plagued by health issues, they don't let the love of the outdoors keep them hidden in their homes. There is something about the vast outdoors that paradoxically brings people closer with a bond that is hard to describe.

For those of you who know my father, you are well aware that relationships are very important to him. He spent most of his waking hours ministering to others, laughing with people, crying with hurt ones, and doing acts of kindness to those in need. He also made his family a priority. He loved engaging us in conversation, giving us advice, and supporting us in our endeavors. There has never been a time that I questioned his love for us. Both my mother and he are examples of the unconditional love parents have for their children.

Although the Baptist Rabbi spent a great deal of time developing and maintaining special relationships in his life, he realized the importance of balance. He spent time developing and maintaining a relationship with himself as well. While we are a major component of his life, we have never been the center of his world. Dad has always made sure to maintain his own individuality throughout the twists and turns of life's curves.

There were times that you would find my father walking down Riverbend and Riverside alone. There were times that you would find him in his bedroom or living room meditating in silence. When we would take trips to the beach, you would find him on the balcony reading books. At times, you would see Mom and Dad take trips without Chris and me. When Scott and I began to have children, Mom and Dad would come to the house on a regular basis and tell us to go out on a date without the kids. He always encouraged us to spend planned time devoted to just our relationship outside of our children. For he knew it is very easy to keep the commitment to a relationship at the expense of another. And this includes the relationship to yourself.

There is a time for everything. There is a time to be social in groups. There is a time to be social with individuals. There is a time to focus on work. There is a time to focus on our children. There is a time to focus on our spouse. There is a time to focus on our aging parents. There is a time to focus on personal hobbies and activities that we personally enjoy. There is a time for us to focus on spending time alone with ourselves. The Baptist Rabbi and his wife were excellent examples of the importance of being well rounded. I am thankful that Dad enjoys hiking so much and modeled for me the importance of taking care of the individual as well as others. For we never know what life has in store for us. At some point, one of these aspects is going to be stripped from us in some capacity. When we store all of our efforts in only one area, life can easily fall apart.

Wise financial advisors will tell a client to diversify their funds. It is the safest and wisest thing to do with finances. My Dad would say the same thing about life. Diversify. Take time to develop and maintain relationships with your spouse, children, parents, in-laws, co-workers, neighbors, friends, church family, etc. Take time to find a career that brings happiness and do it to the best of your ability. However, take time to develop yourself. Find something that brings you personal joy. Spend time alone and spend time doing hobbies and activities that bring you personal satisfaction. Fill your personal bucket. By doing this, you will be better equipped to fill other people. Tipping the balance in either direction can take one to dangerous waters. Finding the correct balance will ensure when life falls apart in one area, we can lean on the support of other areas in our life to sustain. After all, when all is said and done, we end up with one constant.......ourselves. It is important to develop the self so when that is all we have left, we find happiness within our own skin.

Creating a Purposeful Circle

Would it surprise you to hear that the Baptist Rabbi and his wife are partiers? Indeed, it is true! The Dean household was always rocking with people. From church members to friends from near and far, there always seemed to be a Baptist style gathering occurring at the pastorium.

I recall going out to eat with a group of people for Sunday lunch. People would come over to the house on Sunday evenings. We met a wide variety of people at restaurants, the neighbor's pool, and at other people's homes. We hosted July 4 celebrations, Memorial Day celebrations, UT ballgame gatherings, Christmas Eve dinners, etc. If it was a special day, you could guarantee that we would be with people. Dad made it a priority to meet once a week with a pastor group where they would connect and refuel sharing stories and laughter. Dad always talked about the importance of these gatherings to his overall emotional health.

Mom and Dad modeled the concept of purposeful circle to me. Dad always has been a firm believer that you become much like who you choose to surround yourself. Mom and Dad knew that they could instill solid beliefs in me as parents, but my circle of friends were bound to have a much larger impact on the choices I made. Often, my parents would encourage me to surround myself with positive people who would lift me up and make me a better person. They encouraged me to purposefully seek out friends who would be a positive influence on me. And I will have to say that I did a better job on some occasions than others in heeding their advice. :)

As adults, it is important that we create our own purposeful circle. We ultimately take on traits of who we devote our time and attention. We all know those people that we are instantly drawn towards.  These people are genuine, they care about us as an individual, and they are filled with positivity. They challenge us to become a better individual. We are lifted up after spending time with them. On the flip side, there are an abundance of negative individuals that we encounter daily. These are the ones who see the glass as always half empty, find something negative to say about everything, and take joy in other's struggles and failures. If the truth be known, we all can sway both ways, given the particular circumstance or day.

Mom and Dad took time to  create a purposeful circle of community. They were well aware that a  positive, purposeful circle is not always easy to find. Over the years, Dad was offered several other church placements. However, he never took the bite. Although he had many reasons for staying in Clinton, I can only imagine that one of the deciding factors was his purposeful circle. When it is found, it is a treasure.

We have great control over creating our purposeful circle. Surrounding ourselves with people who will support us in our personal and professional growth is essential in walking this journey of life. We won't be able to rid ourselves of negative people, but we don't have to devote our time and energy to them. After all, if we do, we will easily get sucked into their behaviors and not even realize that we have taken on their thoughts and traits.

Participating in the purposeful circle is two-fold. We certainly want to seek out relationships that are uplifting, positive, and supportive. Do we choose to engage in nurturing relationships? However, it is equally as important to strive to be a good circle member. Do we purposefully lift people up? Do we see our glass as half full? Do we refuse to give negativity control? Do we believe in personal growth?

If we don't purposefully choose our own circle and strive to be a good circle member, a circle will certainly come find us. However, we won't be guaranteed of its benefits. People never crumble in a day; its a slow fade. Many times, that fade starts with the circle in which we choose. Thanks be to God that we have been given free will to determine our own purposeful circle.

The Equality in Unfairness

It’s one of those nights. It is one of the nights that I'm most like my father. Recent events are swirling in my mind as I try to make sense of the world around me. So, at 2:34 a.m., I lay awake trying to wrap my mind around it all. Last night, I watched a Christian mother bury her brave child. I watched teachers, police officers, friends, family, and a community mourn trying to makes sense of something that is incomprehensible. I came home and held my children a little tighter, while another mother entered a house without her child.

This week, our country endured yet another act of terrorism. Five innocent military men died at the hand of an anger filled man. Five families are left to pick up the pieces and try to wrap their heads around why this event occurred to their loved ones.

Just a few weeks ago, I watched my mother suffer in a hospital bed, begging Jesus to come and take her to heaven. As her weak body lay in the hospital bed recovering from the second surgery in a month, my father stayed beside her in the room and wept, watching the love of his life continue to endure pain and unexplained health issues. While trying to wrap his hands around the events of her news, he continues to fight his own demons of Parkinsons and PHN from one of the worst documented cases of shingles. Yet they both are examples of what it is like to live a life serving the Lord. They have lived one of the purest lives with an unwavering faith in God, but they both wake up each day to fight their own individual health issues.

We all have our own situations. We all have our own experiences that leave us pondering “Why us?” or “Why them?” In our simple human minds, we want to believe in Karma. If we do good, good things will happen to us. We find satisfaction when bad things happen to bad people. Many of us have been known to flippantly make the statement, “Karma will come back to bite them.”  But guess what? The Baptist Rabbi would beg to differ. We can be guaranteed of one thing. Bad things WILL happen to good people.

Why do bad things happen to good people? This is a common question asked to pastors. Dad raised Chris and me to firmly understand that life is not fair. Dad took the time to teach us about God’s free will. When bad things happen to good people, we often ask ourselves “Why did God do this to us?” Oftentimes, you will hear people respond something similar to, “It is all God’s plan.” Everyone has their own beliefs on this, and all readers are certainly entitled to disagree. I am certainly no theologian or biblical scholar. However, I simply can’t wrap my head around my God willing terrible things to happen to us: childhood cancer, battered women, loss of loved ones through tragic events, terrorism, chronic pain, poverty, etc. However, because of free will, the things of this world are allowed to happen to us. Some because of personal decisions we have made, and other times, because of decisions other people or society has made without our input. And oftentimes, for no explainable reason at all.

My Dad taught me that God doesn’t necessarily cause these things to happen, but He allows them to happen in a world of free will. However, He is certainly present in all situations, helping guide our reactions and supporting our temporary unbelief.  This world is not, has never been, and will never be an equal playing field. However, we can be assured of one thing. There is equality in unfairness. Unfair events affect us all. Life is not fair. We will all experience times where life is not fair and we have questions. And there are many questions that simply don’t have an explainable answer. But God has not abandoned us. He loves us and is walking beside us in this world of free will.

Free will is not always bad. God has given us great control over the choices that we make and the direction that we take our lives. But my personal prayer in the middle of this night is simple and heartfelt. When our human minds can’t wrap around the events of unexplained pain and suffering, dear God, please hold us close. Let us feel Your peace and know that there is a day where free will will turn into a place where all is equal, fair, and we hear the words, “Job well done.”  

Dads and Doors

All around our nation this weekend, sons and daughters are taking time to celebrate their fathers. This weekend will bring a range of emotions from people - maybe happiness, maybe mourning, maybe longing. For our past experiences will certainly shape the activities of this weekend. Whether good or bad, we are products of our parenting. Their guidance during the first portion of our lives consciously and subconsciously shapes our adult life. 

Parents often talk to their children about making good choices and staying on the right path. While my parents certainly wanted me to stay on the right path, they realized their role in making this happen. They were the “door opener” of our family.  Mom and Dad always made it a point for Chris and me to have an abundance of experiences. From trips to extracurricular activities, we were always busy learning the variety of things that life has to offer. Reminiscing with Chris a few weeks ago, he told me of a conversation he had with Dad immediately after he graduated from UT. Dad told him that he was to accept the first job he could find, no matter where it was, and GO. I’m sure that Mom and Dad would have preferred for us all to stay together as a family in the Clinton area, but he opened a door for Chris to go where he could provide for his family. Still to this day, Mom and Dad encourage us both to enter uncomfortable areas to grow as an individual. They have always suppressed their agenda for us and created open doors for us to create our own path.

One of the most powerful beliefs that the Baptist Rabbi holds is the theory of doors. People fall into 2 categories: door openers and door closers. The individual success of people largely depends on others opening doors for them. We all have our own stories of people who have helped us succeed and people who have interfered with that process. Over the past 3 years, my family has grown very close to our pastor, Charla. She has ministered to our family in such a special way. As we learned that she had been given a new church assignment, we were devastated. As we left her last Sunday, my Dad and I both left with tears bubbling in our eyes. Then the powerful words came from Sam Dean, “As much as we love Charla, you are now charged to determine what kind of person you will be. Will you be a door opener or a door closer? Charla has been given new door. Will you help her open that door to continue her ministry? The new pastor coming in has just begun her ministry career. You have the ability to open the door for her, which could open further doors for her down the road. Or you have the ability to shut the door, impacting her ministry for the future. Which person do you want to be? Everyone needs someone to be the door opener. That is what God has called us to do.” 

Individuals are powerful human beings. We have much more control over people’s destiny than we realize. Even the smallest of actions can open large doors for individuals. This Father’s Day, I am thankful that my parents taught me the power of doors. I am thankful that they have always been a step ahead of me opening doors for me to grow as an individual. I am thankful that in times of me being selfish, they remind me that life is not all about me. God calls each of us to step away from our self-absorbtion and purposefully create open doors for others. God is on the other side of that door waiting to do great things for others if we will only accept the call to open the door for them.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for teaching me (and continually reminding me) to be a door opener for others. Happy Father’s Day!

A-1 Sauce and Alto

Isn’t it funny the small stories that you remember growing up? Sometimes Mom and Dad will tell stories of trips, visits, and events that I have no recollection; yet I remember random, small events that seem meaningless. Or are they? Some of the lessons I have learned come from those very events.

Growing up, we were very special friends with the Rumph family. Betty Rumph lost her husband at a very young age and raised 2 fabulous children, Jay and Julie, as a single mom. After church on Sunday, we would find ourselves with the Rumphs at a steakhouse in Oak Ridge. It was one of the highlights of my week. Every week, Jay would order the same meal - always accompanied with french fries. For those of you who know my Dad, he LOVES french fries. It was a weekly event for Dad to reach over and grab some of Jay’s french fries. It was not long before Dad was identified as “The French Fry Monster.” Typical children will reach for the ketchup to smother the fries, but not Jay. He liked to spice them up in a different way. When the french fries arrived, he would immediately ask for the A-1 Sauce. Looking back, I wonder if that was his way of trying to save his french fries from the “The French Fry Monster.” If so, I don’t recall it working. Dad found that combination fascinating! Dad was always impressed that he chose to eat his fries in a different way. Jay thought outside the box and spiced up an otherwise simple food. Somehow, the A-1/ French Fry Monster combination created a special bond between a Rabbi and a boy. As time moved forward, Jay and Dad became hiking buddies, and he still remains special to my Dad today.

For those of you who know us well, you know that Kristina Pearce Haury holds a very special place in the heart of my family. We were inseparable growing up.  Krista and I were dedicated members of the FBC youth choir and Clinton High School chorus. We loved to sing….and at the time, we thought we sounded fabulous! Krista always accompanied us on our annual Spring Break trip to the beach. On the 7 hour ride to the beach, we thought we would bless Mom and Dad with the gift of voice. We thought we would spare them the torture of listening to rock music on the radio. So, being the thoughtful teenagers we were, we decided to give them a free concert of our musical repertoire….all in ALTO. No melody, only the flatline, tedious, monotone of alto. While we thought we sounded angelical, I’m sure that we did not even do justice to alto. To this day, Dad remembers these trips as being torture.  Being the fabulous father that he is, he never said a word. He let us sing. He now describes that event as one of the most painful experiences of his travels!

Sam Dean has always been a proponent of enjoying the spice of life. For those of you who know him well, you can see why he loved the A-1 sauce, but found alto in isolation to be unbearable. Alto is an important piece to the overall musical production. However, by itself, it is horrific. It does not provide the same  enjoyment as when all the the musical parts are sung together. It takes the alto, soprano, tenor, and bass working together, each mastering their own craft, to make a beautiful musical performance. The same is true for life. We all have our own voices, talents, and interests. However, if we were all the same, what a boring place it would be! It is in our variety that we bring beautiful harmony to the world. Our individual differences are the A-1 sauce that provide flavor to churches, workplaces, and communities. The Baptist Rabbi has never demanded that people embrace his interests or beliefs. He has always encouraged each person to embrace the individual that God calls them to be. He has never been threatened that it will be different than him. For it is important that we all sing our own part, but be willing to do it along with others to create a beautiful harmony of community. Thank God for A-1 sauce and for the ability to move beyond alto and enjoy the magnificent harmony created when we come together as a community of faith, each singing our own part and embracing the differences in notes that are sung.

Balcony People

Growing up, I was always fascinated with balconies. At six years old, I remember being so excited about Dad becoming pastor of First Baptist Church mainly because I saw the balcony. There was something special about being able to sit in the balcony and look down at the pulpit. As a kid, I was always intrigued that the balcony appeared to be suspended in the air, with no support beams. The youth always found themselves magnetized to the back row of the balcony each Sunday. I would like to say that we actively listened and participated in the service, but that was not always the case. And yes, occasionally, I would get an evil eye from my sweet father from the pulpit! I have heard lots and lots of Dad’s sermons, and there are a few that I still vividly recall as if he preached them yesterday. One was the sermon called “The Balcony People.” I guess the title intrigued me since I considered myself to be a “Balcony Kinda Girl”. But my Dad had a very different definition of balcony than me.  In this particular sermon, Dad talked about how God places special people in your life to support you, away from the limelight, in the distance, or from the balcony. These people may not always be directly present in your daily life, but they are always sitting in the balcony, looking out for you and your best interest. Most people have balcony people in their lives. We may not talk to these people on a regular basis, but somewhere in our journey they have helped pave the way for our individual successes. We are all products of our support or lack thereof.

Meet Jack and Sarah. During my Dad’s college years, he became pastor of a small Baptist country church named Mountain View. Jack and Sarah, a young couple in their early thirties, regularly attended his service. Jack and Sarah had no children of their own. Sarah had grown up in a Methodist Children’s Group Home. As most people do, they grew very fond of the young Baptist Rabbi. Sarah was actually one of the first people Dad baptized. They often invited him over for lunch and fed him hot meals after church. As Dad made his way to seminary on limited funds, they sent him money each semester to help make ends meet. They never expected anything in return, other than for Dad to follow God’s will. Throughout Dad’s ministry, Jack and Sarah remained an important part of his life. In fact, a few years ago a tornado came through Greene County, reeking havoc on the area where the now elderly couple lives. Dad did not hesitate to get in his car and drive to their house to check on them to make sure they did not need assistance. Jack and Sarah were not by Dad’s physical side throughout his entire ministry, but they were always present in the balcony, looking out for his best interest and cheering him on. They continue to be such dedicated balcony people. Dad is keenly aware that he may have never finished seminary if it were not for their support from the balcony.

Over the years, Dad has always given credit to his balcony members, for there are an abundance. He has been known to tear up when talking about the special people in Greenville, Johnson City, Jonesboro, Clinton, Etowah, Knoxville, and North Carolina that have supported him in his ministry. The Baptist Rabbi’s balcony is full. Although Dad has been retired for several years, he has continued to serve as a balcony member to other people in a variety of communities. When able, he has continued to do weddings, funerals, visit the sick, etc. Unfortunately, Parkinson’s became a member of our family several years ago. Although his disease has appeared to stabilize at this time, he feels that it is time to put an official end to the public side of his 50+ years in the ministry. But Dad remembers the significance of his balcony. So, for those of you who graciously read my blog, we hope that you will be able to join us on Sunday, May 17, 2015 at First Baptist Church in Clinton, when the Baptist Rabbi will express gratitude for all of his balcony members who have supported his life of ministry. It will certainly be a special day honoring all the people who have shown the Dean family love and support over the years. 

As for me, I am thankful that I have been shaped by the many sermons of my Dad. I am thankful that Sam and Marie Dean sit in my balcony. I’m sure that they both sit in many people’s balcony that have had the fortune of being a recipient of their ministry/friendship. The Baptist Rabbi taught me the importance of expressing gratitude to the members of my balcony. However, he also taught me that it is equally as important to be a “balcony sitter.” For the balcony is an intriguing place to be. Sitting back, taking in the aerial view, can provide a completely different perspective. Supporting and loving people from the balcony offers great gratification. Balcony love suspends, without support beams, for many years. Thanks be to God for providing our personal balconies.

**Side note: Although Dad’s public ministry may be coming to an end, there are still many stories to tell. Lots more blogging to come! 

The Truth Shall Set You Free, But Sometimes Requires Some Creativity!

Growing up in the Dean household, there were very few non-negotiables. Mom and Dad were fabulous about walking us through situations, but there were very few hard core limits that were set upon Chris and me - with the exception of one thing. All good parents teach their children that “honesty is the best policy.” But this idea has been placed on steroids under the Baptist Rabbi’s roof. Dad could put Abraham Lincoln to shame. Honesty is extremely important to my Dad. To this day, I’m not sure if this virtue was a product of his raising from a Missionary Baptist minister or if it developed within himself along his journey of ministry. But Sam Dean does not tell a lie. And he does not tolerate people who do. There are very few things that will send Dad to a state of anger, but someone who is not honest will certainly takes him to an unhappy place.

I can attest that if you have ever paid Dad for a funeral or wedding, taxes have been reported and paid. I can assure you that if you have told Dad something in confidence through a counseling session or through a simple conversation, it remains sealed in a vault. There have been times that I learned NOT to ask him if my hair looked good, if he liked my outfit, or if he thought I looked like I had gained weight. I knew I would get an honest answer! A few weeks ago, he had to pay a man to fix his heating unit at his house in Jonesboro. He did not feel that the man charged him enough to repair, so he made sure to pay him an additional amount. He could not bear to think he had cheated someone in anyway. As we have explored outside agencies to come in and help them with lawn care and housework, it is a non-negotiable that they work for an agency that pays taxes on what he gives them. My Dad would tell you that honesty is the key to a clear mind. 

On the surface, we would all pretty much agree with his thinking. After all, who would disagree that “Thou shalt not tell a lie.” Seems simple, until certain situations arise. Being a minister often means that you are well-fed. There are Sunday School parties, Christmas parties, Wednesday night meals, small group gatherings, etc. that ensure that food and socialization are always available. Earlier in his ministry, a sweet lady decided to bless him with a beautiful homemade pie including a plethora of fluffy meringue. For those of you who know Mom and Dad, they LOVE a chance to enjoy homemade desert! Dad thanked her for her kind gesture and eagerly anticipated taking the pie home to enjoy. Mom and Dad cut the delicious looking pie and placed a large piece on their plate. As they both placed the first bite in their mouth, they immediately discovered something was wrong!!! Something terrible was wrong!! It tasted horrible! They couldn’t continue….not even with the first bite! How could something so beautiful taste so horrible? They came to the conclusion that the sweet, elderly lady must have left a key ingredient out of the pie. It did not affect the visual presentation of the gift, but certainly affected the taste. At church the next Sunday, the lady approached Dad and asked the dreaded question, “How did you like the pie?” Dad hesitated as his core values were being tested. What was one to say? After all, he was very thankful for her kind gift, and he would never in a million years want to hurt her heart. However, he cannot tell a lie! Thank goodness, the Baptist Rabbi can think quickly on his feet. He responded as any honest, God-loving man would do. “Thank you for the pie! It certainly did not last long around our house!” 

While Dad still laughs about this story, he does not laugh at the seriousness of honesty. He has often recognized that being honest comes with consequences. Sometimes being honest means that others will disagree or become upset. As Dad served on several committees and boards, he was never ashamed to speak his mind in an honest manner. While some may not always agree with what is said, people have come to trust that “what you see is what you get” with my Dad.  He firmly believes that the truth shall set you free. There is no doubt that my Dad can lay his head down at night with a clear conscience that he is a man of his word. There is a great deal to be learned from the actions and values of the Baptist Rabbi. Telling the truth is not always easy, but it is the right thing to do. Sam Dean has taught me that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes it does take a little creativity! 

Sidenote #1: For those of you who have baked Mom and Dad items, don't worry! It was not you! This happened a very long time ago in one of his previous churches. Ha!