Daddies and Daughters

There are certain things in life in which we have no control. We don’t get to choose our parents. We don’t have much input on the surroundings in which we grow up. We can’t control the actions of our parents, nor their parenting style. However, all of the above have a huge influence on the trajectory of a child’s life.

The Father’s role is such an essential component in a girl’s life. There is just something special between a father and a daughter. I remember growing up, craving the attention of the Baptist Rabbi, watching his thinking and actions, working hard to meet his expectations, and looking toward him for acceptance and guidance. I didn’t get to choose the fact that he met every expectation of a father. I was just blessed that I was afforded the opportunity to be influenced by a positive, close relationship with such a quality man. Our relationship has truly been a key factor in the person that I am today.

Over the past 21 years, I have been a witness to a similar experience. I have watched my husband, Scott, reciprocate the same relationship with our daughter, Mallory. There is just something special between them. Growing up, I witnessed her watching his actions as he set expectations and parameters, helping her define self-concept and values. Her eyes still light up when she sees him. She still runs to him when she enters the door. I find such joy and peace that she was afforded a similar father/daughter experience that I was given. It will serve her well through life. A healthy circle of life is strongly dependent on the father/daughter relationship.

In December, I will watch Scott walk Mallory down the aisle as she marries her high school sweetheart, Andrew. She has always said she wanted to marry someone just like her father. She has grown up watching Popman Sam, Pappy Ken, and Daddy Scott be role models for how a girl should be treated and the components to a healthy marriage. It has been such a blessing for her to have these positive male role models to help her grow up in a healthy environment. 

Fathers have an awesome responsibility which should not be taken lightly. Fathers have great influence over their children, which often requires sacrifice and dedication. Daughters look to their fathers to determine their own capabilities and expectations on how they should be viewed and treated. On this Father’s Day, may we celebrate the fathers who have taken this role seriously, realized the lasting impact that they have over their children, and have modeled ethical, positive interactions with their children and others. 

Happy, Father’s Day!!! God bless!

When Joy and Grief Collide

Mildred. A simple, sweet soul. A sister my father loves dearly.

I received a phone call from my Dad's brother, Don, on Thursday night. The news was not good. My Aunt Mildred was being put on hospice care at 89 years of age. I went to the house the following morning to share this news with Mom and Dad. No words were spoken. It is sometimes difficult to know if Dad's Parkinson's does not allow him to process quickly or if he was just choosing to process internally and silently. Whatever the case, we gave him the space he needed.

This morning when I arrived to do the usual Saturday caregiving activities, Dad said, "Are you up for driving me to Johnson City to see Mildred?" Within an hour, we were in the car driving for what would be the Baptist Rabbi's last time seeing his sister. Knowing it would be an emotional day, I was not fully prepared for the experience of joy and grief colliding in a single moment.

We were met at the door by her son, Fred. When we walked in the room, she was somewhat alert but unable to speak. She kept her eyes on Dad for the entire visit. She would briefly look at Fred and me, but then immediately return to my Dad. He sat by her side, his hands shaking from Parkinson's but yet still holding on dearly to hers. A few minutes later, Uncle Don came in the room, and her eyes lit up once again when she saw him.

As we saw her pain increasing and her stamina decreasing, Fred and I left the room to give Don and Dad a moment with her. The three remaining siblings of the Dean family, together for a brief moment.....wishing the circumstances were different...longing to go back in time....knowing that the inevitable is coming. Uncle Don and Dad walked out tearful. Uncle Don held onto my father as they walked down the hospital hallway together, knowing in a few days it would just be the two of them.

God gave all three siblings a gift today. The gift to be together one last time. The gift to reminisce and say goodbye. As they all three held hands, Uncle Don said a beautiful prayer. Dad asked Mildred for one favor. He said, "I want you to do one thing for me. When you get to heaven, tell Mom and Dad that they have their two boys coming right behind you."

Life is full of joyful moments and painful moments. Many times, it is either one or the other. However, today, I experienced a rare moment when the two meet each other face to face and collide. We grieve the personal connection.......the memories.....the human flesh. However, what a beautiful experience to be able to hold the hand of a loved one, communicate the impact that they have had in your life, tell them that you love them, and be assured that you will be with them again one day. This collision of emotions is overwhelming to say the least.

I am so blessed to belong to a family of strong believers. In a few days, heaven will gain a wonderful angel. Until then, may God hold Aunt Mildred, our Baptist Rabbi, Uncle Don, and Fred in the palm of His hands.

P.S. Thank you, Joann Hamerling, for helping with Mom while we went today. You are dear to us!

Oh Be Careful, Little Voice......

There were very few spoken rules in my house growing up. Mom and Dad always knew the stress that came along with being a “preacher’s kid,” and they tried to shield us from that glass house as much as possible. They wanted us to have a normal upbringing and not have the stress of being perfect. I can attest that we certainly lived up to that imperfectness at times! J

There were no set curfews, no scrutiny on our friends, no controls on amounts of phone or TV time, and no mandatory amount of time to stay at home. Every situation was analyzed for its unique circumstances and realistic expectations were implemented. However, there were a few set rules that were not negotiable. Respect. Honesty. Trustworthiness.

My brother and I were kids, so we inevitably failed these expectations at times. I don’t remember getting very many spankings, but I did get them. It always devastated me because I hated to disappoint. But during the times that punishment was needed, there was one cardinal rule: You never smack or defame the face of a child. I’m sure my smart mouth at times justified a smack on the mouth, but it never happened. My Dad always said the face should be honored as it represents the individual uniqueness as a human being. The face is an important part of a person’s identity and should not be shamed.

Mom and Dad realized that their actions would ultimately shape the person that my brother and I became. They always watched their words – even during disciplining. They knew the words they said, even in anger, would shape our opinions of ourselves for many years to come.

I respect my parents because they have always respected me. Dad chose his words carefully, and respected my humanness even in times of anger. In his communication to me, he encouraged me to think outside the box, dream big, and supported me in any endeavor – even in times I’m sure he knew I wasn’t making a good decision. They both loved me unconditionally, knew I would fail, and were ready to help me back up when that occurred.

Humans are worthy of respect, regardless of their age. As adults, we have an awesome responsibility to develop a growth mindset in our youth while demanding respect, honesty, and trustworthiness. It is important to allow children to take risks and fail. After all, we all learn from our mistakes. Children need us to believe in them, respect them, and hold them accountable in a humane way.

God calls us to exercise self-control in all situations. Be careful what we say…. children will live up to our expectations. Be careful the words we use…they will become reality. Use words to build, not destroy. Our actions and words today will have an impact on tomorrow.

I will always admire the Baptist Rabbi and his wife for honoring us as children and using words carefully to make us feel worthy and capable of being a positive contributor to our society. We can all learn from my parent’s wisdom, self-control, and unconditional love. Our voices as adults are not timid – they scream in the minds of our little ones and make a lasting impact.

Oh, Heavenly Father, give us the self-control and discernment to use our voices and actions for good.

The Curse of Control

The hustle and bustle of life is crazy! It is been a long time since I have had time to blog, but that doesn't mean that I don't learn daily lessons from the Baptist Rabbi!!

Before Dad lost his ability to drive and leave Mom alone, we used to attend a monthly Parkinson's support group meeting in Knoxville on Thursday nights. One night, we were listening to a speaker who was talking about his journey with Parkinson's and how he realized he was no longer in control. At the end of the session, he gave us a rock to carry. He encouraged us to paint a symbol on the rock of what gave us most comfort during times of trouble. Dad and I both drew on our rock. Since then, that rock has been in my purse, staying with me each day.

For those who know me well, to say I am a control freak is an understatement. I am a fixer. I am a peace maker. I want to have answers to make situations better. Wouldn't it be nice if life worked that way?

Life throws us curve balls. Sometimes I handle it with grace, and sometimesI handle it with my "fix it" attitude. The other day, I processed a situation with Dad in the sunroom at the kitchen table. I looked at him and earnestly said, "How would you advise me to handle?" His words of wisdom slapped me in the face. He said, "Kelly, you are trying to control a situation that is beyond your control. You are trying to fix something that is not fixable. At times, you have to accept reality and let the plan play out."

Don't we often yearn for more power and control than we actually have? Don't we often act as if we know more than our Heavenly Father? Do we live under the curse of control?

As the Baptist Rabbi reminded me:

• As you get older, you have more questions than answers.
• People who want to control the beliefs of others will find out that they knew a lot less than they thought when we meet God face to face. In the end, we will all have a lot of things wrong!
• Oftentimes, our role is not to fix, but to support.
• God does not will bad things to happen to people, but gives us the power to find support in Him during times of turmoil.
• Sometimes patience and grace is more important than fixing and trying to control.

So, what did I draw on my rock? I drew the cross. After all, Jesus did not want what was happening to him! He was not in control of what was happening. But he trusted God and allowed the plan to unfold. 

My hope and trust is in Him. When I feel the need to be in control.....to fix......may the rock in my purse remind me that life doesn't work that way. My call is to follow His will and implement grace and love more than control.

Stay With Me

Type A. OCD. A fixer. That is me. I like to be in control, I like things to be orderly, and I like to fix situations when they are in need of repair. When something is broken, I have the urge to fix it. When there is personal conflict, I like to work towards common ground. When someone is in trouble, I want to help. When there are things to be done, I like to create a step by step plan of how to reach the goal.

Wouldn't it be nice if life fit into a perfect box like I desire!?

There are times when the Dean household is full of laughter, and there are times that there is great sadness. As my parents age, they spend much time in reflection and recollection of memories. Some bring happiness and some bring about much emotion. When you are diagnosed with a progressive illness, there are stages of grief which bring about a wide range of feelings. Processing is not a linear step-by-step regimen.

A few months ago, Dad was telling a story from his past. He began weeping. I immediately began asking him questions like, "Where are you hurt? What is wrong? Are you OK? What can I do to help?" He sat silently for a few minutes and his words of wisdom flowed, "Why do you get so uncomfortable when I show emotion? Why do immediately think it something you need to fix? Emotion is part of life and doesn't require a fix. Just because I show emotion doesn't mean I am depressed, hurt, or suffering. I am simply processing. Why does it make you so uncomfortable? I don't need you to say anything or do anything. I simply need you to stay with me."

Wow. Once again, the Baptist Rabbi taught me an important life lesson.

As humans, emotions do make us uncomfortable. We look for a way to show quick compassion and leave the scene because it brings about uncertainty. What do I say? What do I do? We feel the need to quickly restore happiness. When in reality, the other person just needs our silence and presence. They don't expect us to make it better - they just need support in presence.

I was looking for a fix - for a way to make it better quickly so we could move on. Truth is, I can't fix this. It is what it is.  I don't know why life has to be so hard. I don't know why my parents have to suffer when they have been so faithful. But it has become very clear that my desire to rectify this situation is not possible. However, I can stay.

Life doesn't fit into my mold.
Not every uncomfortable situation needs (or can) to be fixed by me.
Many times, support is in presence, not words or actions.


May God give us all the perseverance to push through the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to "fix" and help us find peace in the words, "Stay with me."

The Dock.....

What a beautiful day. After a week of cold, dreary weather, the sun finally decided to make an appearance. As I was doing my daily activities at the Dean household, I realized that the bird feeders outside were empty. While filling up the various bird feeders behind the glassed back porch, I looked at Dad in the window and told him it felt great. I fed the birds and walked toward the dock to look at the water that had finally risen to a decent level for the rowers. A few minutes later, I was surprised that he had put on his shoes and make the trip to the dock to join me.

The water was peacefully flowing with the sound of ducks and geese in the background. Warm…peaceful… beautiful. The Baptist Rabbi began to talk, reminiscing about many things about his life. During our 20-minute dock visit, he shared several things, and I sat quietly soaking it in….

·      As he enter the later years of life, he enjoys the simple things in life – like a roof over his head, food, and people who have helped him along the journey of life. Material things no longer matter. People and relationships do.

·      He spends a great deal of time talking about how his life has played out and how thankful he is for all the people who have played an important part in making is life successful –

o   His sisters who helped raise him.

o   His mother who always supported him.

o   His sister, Irene, who loaned him money for a car.

o   His brother who has always been there for him.

o   His Dad, who asked his boss to co-sign a loan for him to go to college.

o   The couple who gave him his first church to preach.

o   The members of his churches that became his best friends.

o   Mom’s unending faithfulness to him through it all.

o   And the list goes on and on.

·      He finds it important to tell people that he is appreciative of all they have done for him and how much he loves them.

·      He is aware of the mistakes that he has made and times that other people were right. He actually had recounted a few times where he was brutally wrong (I surpassed that number a long time ago!!!!). He is very humble that he has not always been right and has learned a great deal from his mistakes.

·      He ends his soliloquy with these words, “I have lived a blessed life. If the Good Lord takes me today, I don’t have one complaint.”

This day on the dock. I would not trade it for the world. It is times like this that I wish life would suspend time and make it last forever. Mom and Dad both talk about how blessed they have been in their life, but I must say……it is all of us that have been blessed by our lives crossing paths with them. I am the luckiest daughter to belong to them. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with this special moment. Selfishly, I pray for many more days on the dock…..