Marie Dean: A Woman of Courage

Marie Dean: A Woman of Courage

Marie Dean – there are many words that could be used to describe her. One that immediately comes to the forefront is courage. Theodore Roosevelt once stated, “Courage is not having the strength to go on; it’s going on when you don’t have the strength.” Mom is one of the most courageous women that we know.

Unless you really took the time to peel back the covers, you wouldn’t truly understand the wonderful woman that she was as her life’s journey was filled with unexpected twists and turns. Her health problems began in her early thirties when my Dad was told he would be a widower and single father in a short time. She proved the doctors wrong time and time again! Over the years, she battled interstitial cystitis, Reynaud’s Disease, scoliosis, stenosis, arthritis, two horrible knees, mesh embedded in her intestines, multiple surgeries, and the list could go on and on. The need to be comfortable and out of pain is something no one understands unless they have been in that condition.  In her later years, her mobility was deeply affected by these issues. We would often hear her say, “If I stop moving, I will lose what I have and what I have is better than nothing.” She displayed courage and always put one foot in front of the other.

We have found many buried treasures in our parents’ house over the past 3 months.  One of the things we found was our Mother’s journal.  In her younger days, Mom was an outgoing, fun loving individual, full of life and spunk. But on the inside, she was often faking it, trying to fit in, dealing with a lack of confidence and self-esteem.  It wasn’t as easy as she made it seem. Unless you walked personally in her shoes, which none of us did, we will never fully understand the struggles and pain that she endured for many years. Through it all, our Mom was someone that put her loved ones, family, and friends before her own needs.  Our Mom was a woman who loved hard and would give anyone in need whatever she had to offer.  Our Mom was a devoted wife and parent.  In her younger years, our Mom was the life of the room. Our Mom was a woman that was proud to be a preacher’s wife and was devasted by the fact that she couldn’t physically care for him when he became ill with Parkinson’s.  Our Mom was someone that was accepting of her children and our journey and discoveries in life.  She loved hard and she loved unconditionally. 

Mom not only had our family, but she had 6 brothers and sisters that she loved dearly as well.  Her 4 brothers have passed on before her, but her two sisters remain.  Gail, her older sister who she admired and looked up to dearly; and Margie, her twin, someone that she shared life with in a way that few get to understand.  All three of them had a very special relationship that is seen by few. Mom’s last wishes were that her sisters knew that she loved them.  “I love you, I love you, I love you!” were her words for them.”  The love we saw and felt was so pure and so unfiltered, it made our hearts smile just to hear them speak together.  Mom loved her grandchildren.  Oh, how she was so proud of the 6 of them and one great grandchild.  We just wish they would have known her in her younger years before chronic illnesses invaded her full of life personality.

Since May, her courage was forced to flourish. She lost our father, moved into an Assisted Living Facility, had a knee replacement, went to rehab, and went back to the Assisted Living Facility. Never once did she complain. However, each day she would plead and beg the Lord to be with the love of her life, Sam, again. She missed him so much. Faithful, endless love. While we thought she was turning the corner to a more independent, mobile lifestyle, life’s journey took another unexpected turn.

People handle their last days in many ways. Some are scared. Some are reluctant. Some are in denial. As for our Mom, she embraced her transition with excitement. Her transition did not come without pain and tears, but she faced each day with courage. Mom knew where she was going and where things were headed.  She was going to heaven. The neurosurgeon said she’d be lucky live 2-3 days after the fall, which left her paralyzed from the neck down and impacted her breathing ability.  She made it 16 days.  About day 9, Chris had a very enlightening conversation.  Mom starting saying, “God, why are You not coming for me?  I’m ready!”  She would repeat this over and over.  Chris interrupted and said, “What is He telling you, Mom?”  She said, “He is telling me my body is not ready”.  Chris said, “Is He still coming?”  She said, “He will be here soon!”  Then she proceeded to say, “Chris, He died for my sins and for your sins!”  Then she proceeds to sing, “Jesus Loves Me, This I know”.  As you can imagine, the tears flowed uncontrollably….until in typical Marie fashion, she stopped and said, “What’s for breakfast?  I have to eat?”  

And at the end of her life, we think she clung to that survival instinct that got her through all her ailments, illnesses, and diseases. How else does someone live 16 days without food and water when the surgeon says she will be lucky to survive 2 days? Her outer body failed her, but her heart was strong.  Oh, how we wish we had her heart!

These past few months have been brutal, as we have both become “adult orphans” in a short amount of time. Our cousin, Ryan Foster, wrote these beautiful words that summarize the events of the past few months:

“Our parents’ generation is a shift that is ending. Slowly but surely, they are all finishing their work here on Earth, and they are heading home. Just a few left now, sweeping up, closing out the shop, and locking up in the evening after a long busy day. Like any other bright place that was open for business but is now closed, some parts of the world will be lonelier. We will miss them when they are gone and will remember them with longing and love. But they are going home where they are welcome, where there is peace and rest after troubles and long labor. My Aunt Marie has finished her shift. She has laid aside this world and has been reunited with Sam. What an amazing and joyful reunion!”

There is no doubt that she was met with a warm welcome by my Dad and an abundance of other loved ones. While our hearts will grieve in ways we could never imagine, we will hold on to the courage that Mom taught us to have to navigate this dark season. Thank you, Mom, for your unconditional love and faithfulness. We are blessed to call you our own. Until we meet again, you will live in our hearts and through our actions. Godspeed, our beautiful, courageous Mother.

P.S. We hope that there is a hair pick and hairspray in heaven! We are sure the angels already know that they better not get your hair wet! 

Come on Home! Come on Home!

Life has many seasons. This is one of the major things that the Baptist Rabbi taught me. He would say to me, "There are things that happen that will bring you to your knees and shake you to the core. Then there will be mountaintops where you see the beauty in this world. It is important to soak them both in - for they both have meaning in life."

People choose to handle situations differently. Some handle internally and some share their souls with those who will listen. There is no right or wrong; it is just how we individually process. I believe in sharing the human vulnerability and frailty, for we all experience it. We can all learn from each other. We can all support each other. After all, isn't that what a community of believers is called to do?

The past 2-3 months have been unbearable. I have heard people talk about pain and sorrow, but I have never experienced it to the degree that has slapped us in the face recently. For the past seven years, I have been blessed to be the major caregiver for Mom and Dad. This has created a special closeness between us that would not have existed otherwise. It certainly has not always been glorious and fun, but it is just what love does. For years, I have watched two Godly people suffer in ways that no human should have to suffer. There have been times that I just wanted to shout in anger to God and ask why! Then the gentle voice of the Baptist Rabbi would remind me that life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. It is what it is. We don't always know the reason.

I have been blessed to say that losing Dad at the age of 46 was the hardest thing I have ever endured. Many people have had it much worse than me. Overall, I have been blessed beyond measure! However, I never dreamed that 2 months later I would be facing the same thing with my Mom. A tragic fall has left her paralyzed from the neck down. The injury to the spine is fatal, and she is in comfort care. No two deaths are the same. Dad was not able to talk during his final days. It was a one way conversation as I shared with him the impact that he had on my life and how lucky I was to be his daughter. Mom is currently in a neck brace, unable to move, but we have been gifted with conversation today.

What a blessing today has been! As we sat here this morning, she began saying in an excited voice, "Come on home! Come on home!" I asked her why she was saying that. She said, "Jesus is saying, come on home, come on home. I am going home, Kelly. I am going home." I asked her if she could see Jesus and she said, "Oh yes!" I asked her if she could see Daddy. She said she could and he had his arms open saying, "Come on home!" I asked her if she was happy to go home and she said, "Oh yes!!" I'm going home, Kelly! I get to spend forever with your Dad."Then she started impromptu singing, "Coming home, coming home, never more to roam. Open wide thine arms....Lord, I'm coming home." Words cannot describe the look of pure joy and happiness on her face. It was an experience that can't be put into words. There is no fear, dread, or worry. Just pure joy. She knows what her future holds and she is embracing the transition with excitement! She can't wait to join Dad in heaven!

Is there a reason for everything? I don't know. My Dad always taught me about the role of free will. Was Mom's fall "meant to be?" I don't know. I am frankly too exhausted to contemplate it. But this I know. Even in the midst of our darkest days, God shows himself to us if we will pay attention. When we think we can no longer breathe, He will give us a nugget of joy to embrace to see us through. I am honestly sadder than I have ever been in my life. However, after this morning, I know heaven is real. I know that Jesus is ready to take her to His eternal home with Dad. Selfishly, I cry. Selfishly, I want her here. Selfishly, I have no idea what life will be like without earthly parents in a few days. But this I know. God is present. God is good. God will see us all through this season of sorrow. God will make good from these ashes. There is sunshine on the other side. We just have to fight through the storm to make it to brighter days. In the meantime, my prayer is that I am observant enough to see God's hands through these trying times. He is alive and well and is eager to accept my wonderful Mother into his arms. What a joyous day that will be for her.

As for us left behind, we will cherish the impact that these two wonderful people had on the lives of many. I am among the lucky ones, indeed, to call them my own.

"Hurting brings my heart to You, a fortress in the storm. When what I wrap my heart around is gone. I give my life so easily to the Ruler of this world. When the One who loves me most will give me all. In all the things that cause me pain, You give me eyes to see. I do believe but help my unbelief..."

Words from Heaven

What a week. There is no amount of preparation that can adequately prepare you for the loss of a parent. This past week, we lost one of the most important people in my life. While we had approximately two weeks to prepare for this, words cannot describe the  range of emotions that have overtaken our bodies.

Planning Dad's Celebration of Life was extremely important to us. We wanted it to be everything that Dad had requested. This required a great deal of planning. I worked closely with Katrina, at FBC, on the program for the night. As we were looking at the rough draft, she indicated we needed to find a piece of scripture to go on the left hand side of the program. I told her that I would go home and consult with Chris and Mom, as Dad had many favorite verses.

Knowing that choosing just a few would be very difficult, I decided to have some fun. I found Mom's Bible on the table and brought it into the sunroom. Humorously, and almost sarcastically, I said, "I'm going to open up Mom's Bible, and we are going to let Dad and Jesus speak to us - giving us the perfect scripture for the program." We all giggled as I opened it up to Psalms, shut my eyes, and pointed at a particular position on the page. While we found a few things we liked, nothing "spoke" to us.

I vaguely remembered a friend of mine, Samantha Johnson, posting a Bible verse on my FB page. There were no words - just a reference to a verse. Again, I jokingly said, let's see what that verse says. Maybe He is speaking to us through FB! I looked on FB and saw, Numbers 6: 24-26. I opened up Mom's Bible to this verse. As I turned to the correct page, I saw that a cardboard picture of Jesus's hands were stuck in her Bible on this very page. Again, we all laughed that maybe Dad and Jesus were speaking to us. Maybe this insert was on this page for a reason!

Then I read the verse aloud to Mom and Chris:

"The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face to shine upon you,
And be gracious unto you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."

I looked up, and Chris had tears in his eyes. He said, "That is exactly how Dad would end each service on Sunday morning. After the benediction, he would come down front, raise his hand, and bless the people of FBC. Then he would walk out to the organ playing." All of us sat in amazement - the perfect verse had been found! Dad found a way to communicate it to us from heaven.

And so it was....just like every Sunday morning when he was a preacher. At the end of the Celebration of Life, his dear friend, Ron Mouser, came to the podium and said,
"The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face to shine upon you,
And be gracious unto you;
the Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."

The organ immediately boomed. I could feel Dad's spirit in the front of the church. And there was no doubt that my Dad was smiling from heaven, pleased with his final earthly service.

We began by making humor....because the pain was so prevalent. However, turning pain into humor was quickly replaced with awe and peace. Do I think that this was just a coincidence? Absolutely not. The Holy Spirit is alive and well. We just have to make sure that we slow down and pay attention to what He is saying. My attempt to joke and make light of the pain was quickly turned into a meaningful, peaceful experience where God's words spoke to all three of us.

As Moses was called to bless his people, God continues to bless us, even through painful times. My prayer is during these times, I can slow down enough to soak in His goodness. God bless!

Embracing the Pain

Celebration of Life Service - words from Kelly and Chris

Sam Dean was always a man of his word. If he said it, he meant it. He always spoke the truth. Sam Dean was always a planner. He made his wishes known. He said there would be no funeral, for this is not a sad occasion. He always said that he could not complain about his life - he had lived a life full of memories, accomplishments, and joy. He often said that he was more fortunate than most and he was abundantly blessed. He made us promise that we would do a celebration of a life well-lived and well-blessed.

He was also adamant about one more thing. There would be NO preaching. He said he had done enough of that and heard enough of that over his lifetime and he would not be having any preaching while celebrating his life! For those of you who know our Dad well, this comes as no surprise!

So today, we are here to honor his wishes! We will celebrate, maybe through some laughter and maybe through some tears, but the goal of tonight is to honor a great man who has touched the lives of many that will leave a lasting legacy for generations to come.

Our Dad was always more of a teacher than a preacher. We would be here for days if we talked about all the life lessons he has taught us both through his words and through his actions. Anyone who had a brief encounter with my Dad could instantly tell there was something special about him. Something genuine, sincere, and humble. He could be tough as nails, but it always came from his passions and with a compassionate heart. In the ICU, we had several nurses return to his room and cry with us because they had developed such an attachment to him. One nurse came back days later, kissed his head and said, "It has been an honor to take care of you, sir." The doctor who managed his care spent a great deal of time talking to us and eventually asked, "Do you care if I ask what he did for a living?" As we told him about our father, he replied, "I knew that there was something special and unique about him. I could just feel it in his presence." Even during our Dad's last days and last breaths, he still was impacting those around him. He wasn't even able to speak, but they felt it. What an amazing gift he had. He was always so humble, he never realized the significance of his impact or how well he was loved by so many. God gives each of us a gift that we are to use for the glory of Him. There is no doubt that he took this command seriously.

The last week he was home, I, Kelly,  had him walk to the mailbox with me. While we were walking, I said, "Don't you hate the times when you are surrounded by sadness and you know there is joy, but you have a hard time finding it?" He stopped, looked at me and said, "This is part of life. There are periods of happiness and periods of pain. There are times where it is appropriate to laugh and times where it is essential to cry. Both are equally important. Don't suppress the pain......bear through it and don't be afraid to feel it, for it is a part of life."

Our father loved hard. Our father always put other's needs before himself. He showed us all the true meaning of being a servant of the Lord. There are such mixed emotions on this night. Our family's heart has never hurt so deeply. But as the wise Sam Dean has taught us, we will all hold tight to each other as family and friends and feel the pain, knowing it is a part of life. We will remind each other to balance the pain with the promise that one of the greatest men we have ever known is in the hands of Jesus and celebrating  after hearing the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

Thank you, Dad, for loving hard and  teaching us to do the same - even though it sometimes causes pain.
Thank you, Dad, for seeing things in us that we could not see ourselves.
Thank you, Dad, for showing us your wisdom through your actions, not just your words.
Thank you, Dad, for loving so many unconditionally.
Thank you, Dad, for teaching us how to navigate this journey called life that is full of unfair events and free will.

Today, you are pain free, the tremors have disappeared, and your feeding tube has been removed. We envision you embracing your parents Bonnie and James and your siblings Irene, Mildred, and Thelma. We're sure the angels are surrounding you singing hymns of joy welcoming you into your eternal home. Tonight, as we celebrate stories of you, may we find joy as we embrace the pain of human frailty and loss.

God speed, our sweet Daddy. We will carry your spirit and life lessons in our heart forever. Let's let the celebration begin!

The Varying Colors of Easter

I remember the days well. Preparation for Easter was a big deal in the Dean household. Everyone had new clothes, fresh haircuts, and the Saturday night bath was extra long (with Solid Gold, Love Boat, and Fantasy Island playing in the background). Even into the college years,  Chris and I always woke up to a large Easter basket full of goodies. After rummaging through the treats, the morning became hectic as we all worked hard to look our best for church as Dad preached several times to a packed house. Easter was an exciting time.

As the circle of life unfolded, I quickly found myself being "the preparer of Easter." I now had 2 kids in which I was buying new outfits, paying for haircuts, and scrubbing extra hard on the Saturday night before Easter. As parents, we usually found ourselves out late on Saturday night shopping for Easter basket items, stressing out over the perfect item that would bring a smile to Mallory and Drew's face. The excitement over the basket almost equaled Christmas morning! Attending church, coloring eggs, hunting eggs, eating large meals, and taking pictures with family consumed the day. Easter was an exhausting, but fulfilling time.

In the blink of an eye, I found myself getting up earlier on Easter morning so I could go help my Mom and Dad get ready for church. While they couldn't attend church on a regular basis, they always made an effort to attend on Christmas Eve and Easter. The hustle and bustle of Easter was still there, but required an extra step to pull it off.  Being together as a family at church was just what we did at Easter.

This year, the color of Easter will change yet again. We will be at Mom and Dad's watching FBC Knoxville on TV. Mom and Dad will sing the hymns from their respective chairs, taking notice of all the people they know in the congregation.

What may seem sad gives reason for joy. You see, Easter will meet us at the Dean house in the morning. The reason for celebration remains the same no matter the circumstances. Sometimes simplicity brings about the greatest satisfaction.

I think we can all agree that Easter eggs are beautiful. The vibrant, bright colors bring joy. It is hard to pick one as your favorite because each has its unique beauty. So is life. Easter has many colors, depending on our unique stories, circumstances, and stages in life. However, there is individual beauty in each one if we take the time to focus less on us and more on the significance of the Risen Savior.

My prayer is that each of us takes time in our own personal journey to stop in the morning and breathe in the beauty of the true meaning of Easter. No matter the color of your Easter this year, God will meet you and rejoice with you. It is up to us to decide that we will find joy in each season's color. Rejoice for Christ has risen! Happy Easter!



**This picture of the Baptist Rabbi a few years ago on Easter at FBC. Yes, I am still trying to get him to cut his hair and beard.... :)

Two Chairs

The two rocking chairs were positioned side by side with a slight tilt toward each other in between the living and dining room at the Baptist Rabbi's home. Those two rocking chairs have been a part of our house for as long as I can remember. They are used when company comes to the house and conversations occur in the formal living room - away from the TV and other distractions. As my daughter, Mallory, entered the house on a rainy day, Dad escorted her into the living room and shut the french doors isolating them from the constant hustle around the Dean household. He wanted her all to himself. There was something to be said. An hour and a half later, Mallory came to meet me - tearful, overwhelmed, and blessed. The final "Goodbye" conversation occurred between Popman and his Mallory.

About a month ago, Dad had a rather significant heart attack that left his heart damaged with no possibility of further interventions. While laying in the ER, he claims he had a unique experience where his life flashed before him and he realized he had not said all that he wanted to say to the people he loved. Thus, the conversation with Mallory was arranged.

I was not privy to that conversation, nor should I have been. I will not ask specifics of what occurred because that is sacred between them. Mallory was given a special gift as her grandfather gave her his undivided attention expressing advice, feelings, and experiences. He was saying what he felt needed to be said.

Initially, I was overcome with sadness and grief, for no child wants to face the reality that their parents' time on Earth is coming to a close. Dealing with a damaged heart, Parkinsons, feeding tube, and permanent damage from Shingles, he certainly has his battle cut out for him. Talking has become a struggle for him, and I know he is growing weary. However, as I have reflected upon the significance of this conversation, I am now overwhelmed with gratitude and gratefulness. What a gift to be given a time of isolation with the Baptist Rabbi where he expressed his feelings and imparted life wisdom to my daughter. Many are not awarded this time to make peace and express unspoken feelings before their final rest.

I can only imagine some of the things that were said. At some point during the conversation, I bet he told her to love big, celebrate her uniqueness, fight hard, be kind, and don't get discouraged when life is not fair (although he would have said it in a much more profound, philosophical way!). I'm sure the words "I love you" were spoken. There is no doubt that she felt loved during this heartfelt time. I know that this will be a conversation that will shape her for a lifetime. Meanwhile, my humble Dad has no idea the impact that this conversation will have on her or the impact he has had on so many through his ministry and friendships.

Drew is next, followed by Chris's children. We may have one week or several years with what I consider to be the greatest man on Earth. God only knows. However, I am so thankful for many things:

• For him showing us the power of genuine conversations and unconditional love
• For him not being afraid to face tough emotions and hard words
• For him being vulnerable enough to share his innermost feelings while he is still able to speak
• For the 2 chairs that were used as the foundation to impart words that will shape the lives of my children during these uncertain times.

None of us know what tomorrow holds. However, I am witnessing my sweet father take advantage of every breath he has left on this Earth to continue to make positive impacts on people through his experiences, philosophies, and beliefs.  We all continue to learn from our Baptist Rabbi. May we all embrace the time that we have and use it for good. As for me, in the upcoming days when life may get hard, I will find solace in the 2 chairs......

Walking Into the Unknown

It's New Year's Eve. A Today Show poll said that approximately 85% of people will actually bring in the new year in PJs asleep. I will more than likely be among that group. The news media is so predictable this time of year - recap of last year, New Year's Eve/Day food dishes, exercises to lose weight, and resolution ideas. At this point in the year, I am celebrated out. I am ready to return to my normal schedule and settle into some form of routine.

However, the transition to the new year does cause me to pause and reflect. This past year has brought ups and downs for all of us - some of which we could control and some of it that was beyond our intervention. There are things in which I am proud and things I wish I could hit the rewind button and try again. As much as I would like to set some profound resolution, my reflection will more than likely be similar next year. After all, we are human and fortunate to be blessed by God's grace and mercy.

Tomorrow morning, we walk into the unknown. A new year. A new set of life experiences that will shape our individuality and life journey. All of us will experience events that both lift us up and tear us down. It is what we do with these experiences that will define the impact we have on this thing called life.

As you know, the Baptist Rabbi and his wife have had their fair share of struggles over the past years. The one word phrase that defines my sweet Daddy the best would be "genuine and kind." Two simple, yet profound words. Not easy to achieve - especially when life is unpredictable, unfair, and controversial.

A new chapter begins for all of us in a few hours. God's mercy and grace will follow us into the unknown. While new beginnings can be both exciting and scary, I find great peace that I am not alone regardless of the free will that will unfold this year. Imagine the impact we could have if we all embrace the phrase "genuine and kind" as we maneuver 2019. Regardless of what this new year holds for us, may we always remember the love and grace of Jesus and show that same kind of love to others around us.

2019 - GENUINE and KIND