I went to Walmart to pick up some items for our home. I found myself in the pharmacy section preparing to pick up Mom's weekly needs.....only to discover that I could keep pushing the buggy.
When the phone rings in the evening, I still jump to grab it....worrying that Mom has fallen or Dad has had a feeding tube issue. Upon the 2nd ring, I realize that I can take my time getting to the phone.
On a more humorous note, I think my family is having to readjust to me actually being at our house and a contributing member of the family again. Some days they would say they are glad to have me back....other days, I'm sure they keep their thoughts to themselves about me being around so much!
This whole grief thing is certainly a process. I can truly say that it is something that is not understood by people until you have lived it......unless you have sat on the front row of the funeral. It is a complex set of emotions intertwined into one hot mess!
Joy and pain.
Laughter and sadness.
Peace and discourse.
Loneliness and relationship-filled.
Hanging onto the past and embracing the future.
Blessed that it happened and sad that it is over.
All of these emotions......at the very same time. Swirling in a whirlwind.
Grief is not "moving on", it is simply "moving forward." We can't "move on" when our loved ones remain such a large part of our lives. The experiences that we have had with them define who we are, our actions, our beliefs, and our interactions. Death doesn't take that away. Grief doesn't require that we leave behind what once was. It requires that we take what we have experienced and use it for good in the days ahead. It is allowing our loved ones to continue to live in our daily actions and words. Healthy grief demands that we put one foot in front of the other, knowing that we must live through the pain in order to get to the other side. It is also acknowledging that grief is not a period of time. It is a new normal. However, it is a normal that can still have happiness, joy, and purpose.
I am blessed with precious friendships that check on me often about how I am doing. I am honestly good. This is a journey that is experienced by most. When we love big, we grieve big. It doesn't matter the circumstances behind the loss - young, old, sudden, slow. When we love, we hurt when that love can no longer take place in this physical world.
Grief is a new member of my family, but it is up to me how I choose to deal with it. As for me, I will choose to move forward living a life of joy, one slow step at a time....honoring the legacy of 2 lives well-lived.
**Below is the view from their final resting place. Dad always wanted to have a cabin on top of a mountain and live out his final days as a mountain man! For those who hiked with him, you know that all too well. He never had his mountain cabin, but he nailed the beautiful mountaintop view. Breathtaking!
You have captured what I have experienced with grieving the loss of 4 very important people inmy life in 5 years time. Like you, I chose joy every day, even when it has been hard. People always say I am so strong...how do I do it? By the grace of God and by the love I shared with my Aunt Bubbles, my Daddy, my Mom, and my Henry. It sustains me and helps me move forward with purpose and joy. Thank you for your words Kelly....and know that others out here are walking the same path right alongside you. Hugs to you.
ReplyDelete