Oh Be Careful, Little Voice......

There were very few spoken rules in my house growing up. Mom and Dad always knew the stress that came along with being a “preacher’s kid,” and they tried to shield us from that glass house as much as possible. They wanted us to have a normal upbringing and not have the stress of being perfect. I can attest that we certainly lived up to that imperfectness at times! J

There were no set curfews, no scrutiny on our friends, no controls on amounts of phone or TV time, and no mandatory amount of time to stay at home. Every situation was analyzed for its unique circumstances and realistic expectations were implemented. However, there were a few set rules that were not negotiable. Respect. Honesty. Trustworthiness.

My brother and I were kids, so we inevitably failed these expectations at times. I don’t remember getting very many spankings, but I did get them. It always devastated me because I hated to disappoint. But during the times that punishment was needed, there was one cardinal rule: You never smack or defame the face of a child. I’m sure my smart mouth at times justified a smack on the mouth, but it never happened. My Dad always said the face should be honored as it represents the individual uniqueness as a human being. The face is an important part of a person’s identity and should not be shamed.

Mom and Dad realized that their actions would ultimately shape the person that my brother and I became. They always watched their words – even during disciplining. They knew the words they said, even in anger, would shape our opinions of ourselves for many years to come.

I respect my parents because they have always respected me. Dad chose his words carefully, and respected my humanness even in times of anger. In his communication to me, he encouraged me to think outside the box, dream big, and supported me in any endeavor – even in times I’m sure he knew I wasn’t making a good decision. They both loved me unconditionally, knew I would fail, and were ready to help me back up when that occurred.

Humans are worthy of respect, regardless of their age. As adults, we have an awesome responsibility to develop a growth mindset in our youth while demanding respect, honesty, and trustworthiness. It is important to allow children to take risks and fail. After all, we all learn from our mistakes. Children need us to believe in them, respect them, and hold them accountable in a humane way.

God calls us to exercise self-control in all situations. Be careful what we say…. children will live up to our expectations. Be careful the words we use…they will become reality. Use words to build, not destroy. Our actions and words today will have an impact on tomorrow.

I will always admire the Baptist Rabbi and his wife for honoring us as children and using words carefully to make us feel worthy and capable of being a positive contributor to our society. We can all learn from my parent’s wisdom, self-control, and unconditional love. Our voices as adults are not timid – they scream in the minds of our little ones and make a lasting impact.

Oh, Heavenly Father, give us the self-control and discernment to use our voices and actions for good.

The Curse of Control

The hustle and bustle of life is crazy! It is been a long time since I have had time to blog, but that doesn't mean that I don't learn daily lessons from the Baptist Rabbi!!

Before Dad lost his ability to drive and leave Mom alone, we used to attend a monthly Parkinson's support group meeting in Knoxville on Thursday nights. One night, we were listening to a speaker who was talking about his journey with Parkinson's and how he realized he was no longer in control. At the end of the session, he gave us a rock to carry. He encouraged us to paint a symbol on the rock of what gave us most comfort during times of trouble. Dad and I both drew on our rock. Since then, that rock has been in my purse, staying with me each day.

For those who know me well, to say I am a control freak is an understatement. I am a fixer. I am a peace maker. I want to have answers to make situations better. Wouldn't it be nice if life worked that way?

Life throws us curve balls. Sometimes I handle it with grace, and sometimesI handle it with my "fix it" attitude. The other day, I processed a situation with Dad in the sunroom at the kitchen table. I looked at him and earnestly said, "How would you advise me to handle?" His words of wisdom slapped me in the face. He said, "Kelly, you are trying to control a situation that is beyond your control. You are trying to fix something that is not fixable. At times, you have to accept reality and let the plan play out."

Don't we often yearn for more power and control than we actually have? Don't we often act as if we know more than our Heavenly Father? Do we live under the curse of control?

As the Baptist Rabbi reminded me:

• As you get older, you have more questions than answers.
• People who want to control the beliefs of others will find out that they knew a lot less than they thought when we meet God face to face. In the end, we will all have a lot of things wrong!
• Oftentimes, our role is not to fix, but to support.
• God does not will bad things to happen to people, but gives us the power to find support in Him during times of turmoil.
• Sometimes patience and grace is more important than fixing and trying to control.

So, what did I draw on my rock? I drew the cross. After all, Jesus did not want what was happening to him! He was not in control of what was happening. But he trusted God and allowed the plan to unfold. 

My hope and trust is in Him. When I feel the need to be in control.....to fix......may the rock in my purse remind me that life doesn't work that way. My call is to follow His will and implement grace and love more than control.

Stay With Me

Type A. OCD. A fixer. That is me. I like to be in control, I like things to be orderly, and I like to fix situations when they are in need of repair. When something is broken, I have the urge to fix it. When there is personal conflict, I like to work towards common ground. When someone is in trouble, I want to help. When there are things to be done, I like to create a step by step plan of how to reach the goal.

Wouldn't it be nice if life fit into a perfect box like I desire!?

There are times when the Dean household is full of laughter, and there are times that there is great sadness. As my parents age, they spend much time in reflection and recollection of memories. Some bring happiness and some bring about much emotion. When you are diagnosed with a progressive illness, there are stages of grief which bring about a wide range of feelings. Processing is not a linear step-by-step regimen.

A few months ago, Dad was telling a story from his past. He began weeping. I immediately began asking him questions like, "Where are you hurt? What is wrong? Are you OK? What can I do to help?" He sat silently for a few minutes and his words of wisdom flowed, "Why do you get so uncomfortable when I show emotion? Why do immediately think it something you need to fix? Emotion is part of life and doesn't require a fix. Just because I show emotion doesn't mean I am depressed, hurt, or suffering. I am simply processing. Why does it make you so uncomfortable? I don't need you to say anything or do anything. I simply need you to stay with me."

Wow. Once again, the Baptist Rabbi taught me an important life lesson.

As humans, emotions do make us uncomfortable. We look for a way to show quick compassion and leave the scene because it brings about uncertainty. What do I say? What do I do? We feel the need to quickly restore happiness. When in reality, the other person just needs our silence and presence. They don't expect us to make it better - they just need support in presence.

I was looking for a fix - for a way to make it better quickly so we could move on. Truth is, I can't fix this. It is what it is.  I don't know why life has to be so hard. I don't know why my parents have to suffer when they have been so faithful. But it has become very clear that my desire to rectify this situation is not possible. However, I can stay.

Life doesn't fit into my mold.
Not every uncomfortable situation needs (or can) to be fixed by me.
Many times, support is in presence, not words or actions.


May God give us all the perseverance to push through the uncomfortable feeling of not being able to "fix" and help us find peace in the words, "Stay with me."

The Dock.....

What a beautiful day. After a week of cold, dreary weather, the sun finally decided to make an appearance. As I was doing my daily activities at the Dean household, I realized that the bird feeders outside were empty. While filling up the various bird feeders behind the glassed back porch, I looked at Dad in the window and told him it felt great. I fed the birds and walked toward the dock to look at the water that had finally risen to a decent level for the rowers. A few minutes later, I was surprised that he had put on his shoes and make the trip to the dock to join me.

The water was peacefully flowing with the sound of ducks and geese in the background. Warm…peaceful… beautiful. The Baptist Rabbi began to talk, reminiscing about many things about his life. During our 20-minute dock visit, he shared several things, and I sat quietly soaking it in….

·      As he enter the later years of life, he enjoys the simple things in life – like a roof over his head, food, and people who have helped him along the journey of life. Material things no longer matter. People and relationships do.

·      He spends a great deal of time talking about how his life has played out and how thankful he is for all the people who have played an important part in making is life successful –

o   His sisters who helped raise him.

o   His mother who always supported him.

o   His sister, Irene, who loaned him money for a car.

o   His brother who has always been there for him.

o   His Dad, who asked his boss to co-sign a loan for him to go to college.

o   The couple who gave him his first church to preach.

o   The members of his churches that became his best friends.

o   Mom’s unending faithfulness to him through it all.

o   And the list goes on and on.

·      He finds it important to tell people that he is appreciative of all they have done for him and how much he loves them.

·      He is aware of the mistakes that he has made and times that other people were right. He actually had recounted a few times where he was brutally wrong (I surpassed that number a long time ago!!!!). He is very humble that he has not always been right and has learned a great deal from his mistakes.

·      He ends his soliloquy with these words, “I have lived a blessed life. If the Good Lord takes me today, I don’t have one complaint.”

This day on the dock. I would not trade it for the world. It is times like this that I wish life would suspend time and make it last forever. Mom and Dad both talk about how blessed they have been in their life, but I must say……it is all of us that have been blessed by our lives crossing paths with them. I am the luckiest daughter to belong to them. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me with this special moment. Selfishly, I pray for many more days on the dock…..