Overcoming Car Sickness

Isn’t being carsick a terrible feeling? Growing up, I remember getting car sick traveling through the mountains of North Carolina on our way to Lumberton, my Mom’s home. On occasions, Mom would give me Dramamine, although I’m not sure if it was really for car sickness or simply to knock me out! I recall dreading this portion of the trip because I never knew if it would hit me or not. It was unpredictable.  I never knew what the curves through the mountains would bring me. However, once I arrived to Lumberton, I always enjoyed playing with my cousins, exploring the swamp, hanging out at Margie’s house, and going to my cousin Billy's convenient story where he always greeted me as “Kelly Springfield” (and I still don’t know why!). 

I think most of you would agree that we don’t like being unsure of what the immediate future will bring. Life certainly has its unknown curves, twists, and bends. If you have had the pleasure of knowing my Mother, you know that she has battled many health issues along her journey. Her prognosis has never been positive. My Mom and Dad moved to Clinton when I was 6 so he could become the pastor of First Baptist Church. When he interviewed with the search committee, he had to confess their current situation. Mom had been diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma. The prognosis was not uplifting. If it continued to progress, my Dad would be the single father of 2 small children. It was very important to him that he was completely honest with the church regarding their current state. Graciously, the church had faith that this is where God wanted our family to be. Mom and Dad did not know what the immediate future held, but they took a leap of faith and kept living. They continued driving through the curves.

Luckily, the scleroderma has remained in remission over the years. However, Mom’s health issues have always given them a different perspective on life. They were ready to tackle the twists of life, taking nothing for granted. They traveled to Hawaii, flew to Europe, hiked with friends, took beach trips, continued to travel to North Carolina, bought a house in Jonesboro (a place they still hold close to their heart) and in Greenville (Dad’s mother’s house), rented cabins with friends, got up early to see sunrises, completed mission work in New Zealand, and the list goes on and on. Mom and Dad knew that they could not predict what God had in store for them, but they knew that He wanted them to live, experience life, and trust HIS plan.

For those of you who know, Mom has continued to battle multiple health issues. At this time, it has affected her mobility and her ability to socialize on the level in which she prefers. Dad continues to battle Parkinson’s and permanent PHN from shingles. However, his mind is still sharp as a tack! He often tells me that he is so thankful that he made it a priority to do the things he wanted to do when they were able. He is so thankful that he didn’t wait to experience all the joys of life in his later years.

As they continue to be troopers, never knowing what the next day holds, they live with no regrets. I can only imagine how “carsick” they became when they were delivered the news that Mom would possibly not be with us past her 30’s. They both could have easily given in at this moment, but they didn’t! They drove through the mountains, embracing all the twists and turns. They didn’t try to play God, predicting what the ultimate outcome would be. They knew it could have played out a multitude of ways. But until the plan is fully disclosed, they continue to live.

Scott and I found ourselves in a “carsick” situation this last spring when he was diagnosed with a malignant tumor on his retina.  This type of cancer is so rare, they do not do treatments in the East TN area. So we set off on a journey for 9 days in Memphis for treatment.  For those of you who have walked the journey of cancer, you know the exact roller coaster this presents. Five years of CT scans, blood work, an unknown future, and the list goes on and on. Only people who have experienced this know how this changes your life. Scott and I naturally wanted to close ourselves up and play the “wait and see” game. But we kept reminding ourselves of the lesson to be learned from the “Baptist Rabbi” and his wife. Crossing the mountains is tough work. It’s unpredictable. There will be moments of car sickness; moments when we just want to take the Dramamine and sleep through until we get to our ultimate destination. But instead of wasting our time and energy trying to predict God’s plan, we will continue living, doing the good work He has set us to do. He is already there on the other side of the mountain, earnestly desiring us to live life to the fullest through all the unexpected bends of uncertainty.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for living your life as an example of how to live in peace with God's plan.

MOVE!

Sometimes situations can collide, creating a perfect storm. I vividly remember an example of this when I was in 4th grade. Being the fabulous role model Sam Dean was, he decided that he would become my Optimist (community league) basketball coach. After all, what better way to serve as a role model, while developing stellar athletes on the Clinton Elementary basketball court? Dad arrived at the first practice with drills prepared, anticipating an eager group of girls ready to tackle the court with passion and skill. He was ready to take on the challenge of coaching a group of girls to the #1 spot. However, we showed up for practice talking about the cute boys, discussing the next sleepover, and most important of all, deciding what outfit would be worn the next day. Who had time for drills, skills, and coaching feedback?  Towards the end of the season, we found ourselves with no wins. And it was bad. Very bad. Despite his best efforts, I remained scared of the ball, running in the opposite direction anytime it came my way.

I remember one particular game where we were losing by approximately 45 points. With a few seconds remaining, Suzie Webber, a member of our team, threw up a last second shot. SWOOSH! It went in and closed the spread to 43 points! Our entire team busted out in loud cheers, jumping hugs, and extreme celebration. After all, who wouldn’t celebrate a last second shot!!?? The perfect storm was created! A mature adult, with serious coaching ambitions, clashed with a group of silly ten year old girls who just wanted to have a good time. And the conflict of goals met with loud crashes of thunder, bright bolts of lightning, damaging winds, and sheets of rain! I’m pretty sure that The Baptist Rabbi lost a bit of his religion at that very moment! He could not fathom our celebration of a last second shot with the existing score. Somehow he managed to maintain his cool in front of the team. However, he was not finished with me. So he put into action a coaching plan for his daughter, which started with learning a new vocabulary word….AGGRESSIVE.

He gave up on our team winning a single game during the season, but he was determined that he was going to teach me how to be respectfully aggressive. My goal during the next game was to not hide behind people on the court, and I had to foul at least one person. During the last game, I finally got in touch with my “inner aggression” and I actually fouled out. As I heard the referee’s whistle blow, signifying the last foul, I saw my Dad clapping and screaming on the sidelines, giving me a standing ovation. I can only imagine what the rest of the audience was thinking! Of course, we lost.  However, Dad considered my foul out to be a success. I moved! I was no longer idle.

Dad has never been one to sit. He couldn’t afford to. While he grew up in a house of love, there was not a great amount of finances to support higher education. He always knew that education would be his key to a better life, but the road would not come easy. Dad had to drop out of ETSU his first semester because he could not find transportation to school each day. This became a pivotal point in his life. He could have easily used this as an excuse to quit. It would have been easy for him to simply say, “It is not meant to be. It must be God’s will for me not to go to college.” However, he did not. He engaged in respectful aggressiveness, and he took action.  He transferred to Tusculum College where he could catch the bus to school. Grocery store wages helped him pay his way.  When he received the call to become a minister, he had some tough decisions to make. He could have easily said, “It is just not meant to be.”  However, he created a respectfully aggressive plan of how he could pay cash for both college and seminary. Amazingly, he graduated with his Masters of Divinity with no school debt. How? He moved. He did not sit idle. He crafted a goal, developed a plan, and executed that plan with extreme precision. He took control of his situation, sacrificed immediate gratifications, implemented some healthy aggression, and fought his way through some tough years - trusting God every step of the way. God certainly provided, but Dad had to work hard for it. There were many bumps on the way and many God-sent people that helped him through. It was not sent down on a cloud from heaven wrapped in a big red bow!

In Dad’s 50 years of ministry, he has seen another perfect storm occur in people’s lives. We often hear Christian's make the comment, "If it is God's will.." At times, we use the comment to give us permission to sit idle and wait passively for His will to occur. We wait for God to do all the work. Then when things don’t improve or get better, we tend to blame it on the “Will of God.” The clash of idleness and the will of God has occurred, and the storm is in full force. God indeed has a will for us, but he has also given us free choice to determine what decisions we will make toward his will. Do we hide when the basketball gets thrown our way? Do we find ourselves as passive recipients of the other team’s decisions and actions?

Dad taught me that God did not put us here to live passively and let the world happen TO us. He placed us here to be active participants in this world. We can only find solace in the storm when we embrace the peace that God has desires for us. However, we have to be willing to get up, follow the call, and work for it. God will pave the walkway for the journey, but we must commit to taking the steps on the road. Sometimes that means being respectfully aggressive, moving out of our comfort zone, and standing up for what is right. God never promised that it would be easy, but He did promise to provide if we listen to His will. So what are we waiting for? God is ready. Let’s get up and MOVE!

Sidenote #1: My Dad, still to this day, says that coaching that basketball team was one of the most frustrating things he has ever done. At the end of that season, he officially retired from Optimist coaching! :)

Sidenote #2: After 2 years of basketball, I only scored 2 points - both foul shots. I also retired from basketball in the name of saving my Dad’s nerves. :)

The Power of Presence

It's happened to all of us. Those dreaded moments in time when you wish your life had a rewind button and you would instantaneously receive a free “re-do”. It may even be a situation in which you perseverate for many days, wondering if the recipient of your mistake remembers as vividly as you! Several years ago, Scott attended the funeral of one of his friend’s sister. As he approached the family, he worried about the exact words of comfort that he could share with his childhood friend. Being a close friend, it was important to him to provide those magic words of peace that would make the situation just a tad bit better. Inching closer, he quickly found himself face to face where the verbal transaction would begin……..And then it came……..the words of comfort……”Hey. How’s it going?” The end. That was it. That is all that came. “How’s it going?” Immediately mortified, Scott thought to himself, “Really??? Those were my comforting words? How insensitive! Of course he is not doing well! His sister passed away! Can I please initiate that rewind button and have a do-over?” Doing what we commonly do when we have questions in life, he turned to Sam Dean for words of wisdom. And of, course, Dad did not disappoint.

Growing up, I remember my parents always being there. As a 43 year old working mother of two, I now know what a commitment that was. Being a pastor was not a 40 hour a week job. It was a great deal more than 2-3 sermons a week. It involved middle of the night phone calls, long hospital visits, weekend weddings, out of town funerals, Sunday School parties, weekend retreats, long counseling sessions, and spur of the moment crisis management. When he got the call that someone needed him, there was no second thought. Out the door he would go. He left in the middle of the night, and he left in the middle of dinner.  I even remember a few times where we cut our vacation short because someone needed him back in Clinton. Many of you reading this may remember a time that the “Baptist Rabbi” came to you in a time of need. We graciously shared our father with hundreds of families because we knew the power of his presence.

Amazingly, Chris and I never felt the stress of his ministry. He was always there for us. He made an effort to spend alone time with me. In elementary school, I remember him coming in from work and going to the driveway to shoot basketball with me (I also remember how frustrated he would get trying to teach me how to shoot a lay-up, but that is a story for another day).  He made an effort to really listen to me. Growing up, he would always ask about my day, and you couldn’t get off the hook by saying, “It was good.” He would dig deeper. I’m sure I acted like these conversations drove me nuts, but in reality, I looked forward to them everyday. He made an effort to build a family who supported each other. I remember us traveling to all of Chris’s basketball games. A few times, we landed in some shady motels in which I’m sure he was glad to see us escape alive! Finally, he made an effort to support us in all our extra-curricular activities. He never missed one of my 11 piano recitals, although he would probably prefer I not mention that he was known to sneak in late to escape the key plucking of the beginners. I just remember Mom and Dad always being present.

As I grew older, the power of his presence was felt in both happy and tense times. When I received my first A on a college paper, Mom and Dad drove to Carson Newman to take me on a celebratory dinner. My first year of teaching, I was involved in a wreck on my way to school. Not long afterwards, Dad was at school checking on me. Early in my marriage, Scott traveled out of town for a week. After hearing a big bump in the night, Dad drove to Knoxville in the middle of the night to sleep on my couch. No questions asked. No humiliation. Only his presence. Fast forward a few years later... doctors discovered a tumor in my right ear that was going to require a fairly extensive surgery in a Nashville hospital. Within one hour of the doctor delivering this news, Mom and Dad were on my doorstep to offer their presence. This spring, Scott was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in his right eye. Immediately, we were in the presence of my Mom and Dad. In all of these situations, they didn’t have magic words to fix the situation. Honestly, I don’t really recall the exact words that they even said. I just remember how comforting it was to be in their presence. Scott and I have always found Mom and Dad’s presence to be comforting and supportive.

So what words of wisdom did the “Baptist Rabbi” bestow on Scott regarding words to say at a funeral? You probably know by now. Sometimes words just can’t make it better. Many times, our words can’t fix a situation, but our presence is what will have the lasting effect. Oftentimes, people won’t remember specific words spoken, but they will remember who took the time to come be with them. These words still speak to me today as we live in this world of social media. It is so easy to send quick words of comfort on Facebook or via text message. At least for me, I then fall into the trap that I have supported this person in some lasting way. Let Sam Dean’s words of wisdom live in our hearts knowing that there are times when there are no words of comfort, but God can use our presence to offer peace and support both in times of celebration and tribulation. There IS power in our presence.

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink

I vividly recall the big orange bean bag on our den floor back in the 70’s. It was accompanied by the beautiful yellow and brown plaid couch, wood panel walls, and linoleum gold/cream floors. And we loved it….at the time! :) One of my fondest memories of the orange bean bag was “The Bean Bag Song.” I would curl up on the bean bag with my Dad and he would begin singing…… 

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink, 

Skinny Marinky do. 

I love you. 

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink, 

Skinny Marinky do. 

I love you. 

Oh, I love you in the morning, 

and I love you late at night. 

I love you in the evening, 

when the sun is shining bright, OHHHH…… (This is when Dad would pick you up, fall over with you on the bean bag, and begin tickling the living daylight out of you!)

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink, 

Skinny Marinky do. 

I LOOOOVVVEEE YOU!

Chris and I became very much like Pavlov’s dog. We were conditioned to begin laughing before Dad even remotely got to the “tickle part.” We would beg and beg for him to take position on the bean bag for our daily dose of Skinny Marinky Dink. 

The Dean household was always filled with much laughter. Mom and Dad knew how to balance life’s seriousness with an abundance of laughter. Dad has always had lots of side hobbies, including mastering the art of repairing TVs (this was back in the day of channel knobs and picture tubes - when a layman could actually replace TV parts!!). In the early 80’s, Chris and I were called into Mom and Dad’s bedroom. Dad was very solemn in his announcement for the entire family to enter the bedroom. Upon gathering, Dad calmly set us down and said that we needed to have a family meeting about a serious matter. He informed us that there had been a death in the family. Mom, Chris, and I gasped as we braced ourselves for the terrible news that had just afflicted our family! Dad slowly pointed to the console TV that had lived in their bedroom since arriving in Clinton. He waved the white flag of surrender that he could not revive the old TV. So we were required to do what every normal family would do…….we held a funeral for the TV, including songs, reflective thoughts, and a proper eulogy. To this day, I think Mom might still hold a tad bit of grudge that Dad gave her a heart attack, but this is still a memory that we laugh about 35 years later.

Very few people are aware that Sam Dean has many other talents. He is a great cheerleader! When my best friend, Kristina Pearce Haury, and I would hold cheerleading practice sessions at the house, Dad would join in. He even created his own cheer:

B.O. Stinks

S-T-I-N-K-S

B.O. Stinks

And I might add….he developed some very nice motions with the words! To this day, Kristina and I laugh at this fond memory.

Sam Dean is also a nice dancer. My daughter, Mallory, is a competitive dancer. It is not an uncommon event for him to join her on the den dance floor. I will have to say that the 73 year old Baptist Rabbi has some good moves, and laughter fills the room when he breaks out in his version of a Baptist foot function!

With all that said, Sam Dean is the master of timing. He is acutely aware that there is a time and place for all things. Sam Dean has always been able to deliver a serious, thought-filled sermon that leaves one reflecting for an extended period of time.  However, he can also quickly turn on his silly side that leaves the company around him light headed and filled with laughter. 

Being a pastor can be very serious business. While there are certainly days filled with many happy events, these days are also coupled with sickness, brokenness, conflict, and worries. We will never know the full burden that Sam Dean carried worrying about his congregation, who he considered to be his best friends. But he taught each of us how to balance the seriousness of life’s burdens with an abundance of laughter. The key is knowing the timing of each.

A few years ago, life had sent me a series of challenges in which I was struggling. Late one night, Dad knew that I was working through a fairly tough situation. The phone rings. When I picked it up, I heard his gentle voice of wisdom singing….

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink

Skinny Marinky Do.

I love you.

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink

Skinny Marinky Do.

I love you.

Oh, I love you in the morning and I love you late at night.

I love you in the evening when the sun is shining bright…..OHHHHHHHHHH

Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink

Skinnhy Marinky Do.

I LOOOOOVVVVEEE YOU! 

We all have moments when we need a little “Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink” to see us through. Life is serious business. Dad taught me the place that humor has in making memories and the power that light hearted memories play in seeing us through difficult times. As Ecclesiastes 3 tells us, there is a time for everything. Let us not forget that there is a time to laugh! For laughter has the power to help us overcome the heavy burdens of life’s journey.

Respecting One's Personal Journey

Sam Dean loves people! Some of the happiest times I have ever seen my Dad is when he is around church members, colleagues, family, and friends. Growing up, my friends loved to come and talk to my Dad. Reid Satterfield, a high school friend of mine, still talks to this day about how he loved to talk with “Brother Dean” growing up. Dad can relate to just about anyone - from a Carson Newman College Board Member to a homeless person off the street in Clinton. Pointing out the negative aspects of someone’s personality has never been Dad’s method of operation. He sees good in everyone. And when he tells you he loves you, he honestly means it!

My Dad has always been very interested in people’s personal journeys. It is not uncommon for him to strike up a conversation with a waitress at Cracker Barrel or Shoneys (his 2 frequent flyer restaurants!). He met one sweet lady at a restaurant not too long ago. As the dinner unfolded, he learned that the waitress had graduated as valedictorian of her class in high school. She was fortunate enough to be awarded several scholarships which would have provided her a free college education. Being young, she made some not so desirable choices, which resulted in her not taking advantage of her “golden ticket.” Several years later, as a single mom, she found herself working as a waitress, trying to attend night school, and be the best mom that her lifestyle would allow her to be. Dad was overtaken by her story. He was inspired by her journey and her resilience to try to turn her life around. My father and her engaged in a heart to heart conversation where Dad helped her determine some essential steps she needed to take in order to see her plan into completion. He even told her that he would be returning to the restaurant to check on her status. He left her a lofty tip, and I can only imagine that she was the topic of many of his prayers. Another time, Mom and Dad met a pregnant waitress at an Oak Ridge restaurant. Upon hearing her story, Mom and Dad left the restaurant and returned with fairly significant amount of cash to give her for maternity clothes and baby supplies. No questions, no judgements, no expectations - just a simple respect and understanding of the personal journey.

Dad has always said that everyone has his/her own story, or personal journey. Some have had more control over their journey than others. But regardless of the story, our past and present experiences shape us into the person we are today. Life events also shape our relationship with God - some for the better, some for the worse. Our journey shapes the beliefs that we have, the words that we speak, and the actions that we take. Some of this is on the conscience level, and some is not. We, as the recipient of someone’s actions, do not always know the internal struggles in which someone is facing. Dad has always recognized that  people’s words, actions, and beliefs are usually symbolic of something bigger. He has always respected that there are stages to people’s emotional state. Some people are on a mountaintop, some are grieving, some are indifferent, and some are flat out angry at God. Instead of using this as a reason to avoid them,  judge them, or even preach at them, my father has always respected their current placement in the journey of life. I have witnessed Dad, time and time again, embrace people where they are without judgement or criticism and offer them the grace of God.

We could all learn a great deal from Sam Dean. He has repeatedly said that life’s journey is hard and often not fair. He has never painted a picture that just because one is a Christian, life will be any easier. Life will throw each of us unexpected curve balls that ultimately shape the person we become. Our journey is ultimately between ourselves and the Heavenly Father. However, certain individuals can support us and assist us in taking smoother roads on this journey of life. Respecting the journey allows us to better understand the people around us. Not placing judgement allows us to support people struggling.  After all, everyone has a story to tell, everyone wants their story to be heard, but ultimately, we all want someone to understand. It is by participating in the true understanding that we show the love of Christ.